“Limerence” is a term that has raised to popularity as of late nevertheless it was actually first coined in 1979 by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being In Love.
Limerence is used to explain obsession and longing for one more person, often unreciprocated. It’s a state of utter infatuation and fantasy, and leads to emotionally-dependent, unhealthy relationships and mindsets. Someone in limerence places the item of their desire on a pedestal, believing them to be perfect and flawless. In other words, an individual in limerence falls for an idea, a portrait of one other they painted themselves without ever truly seeing the opposite person to accurately construct the image.
While there is certainly some overlap with love and limerence, ultimately someone experiencing limerence is more obsessive about keeping that potrait they’ve of the opposite person alive, and earning that version’s love and affection, quite than actually carrying out an actual relationship with an actual person. Because true love takes work, commitment, and accepting imperfection. This cannot occur in limerence.
There have been various movies throughout the years that portray limerence in relationships that may provide you with a greater idea of what it looks like played out. Here are 4 movies that completely capture the craving and fantasty of limerence.
1. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)
In Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, directed by Michel Gondry and written by Charlie Kaufman, former couple Joel (Jim Carrey) and Clementine (Kate Winslet) part ways. Later on, Joel finds out that Clementine has undergone a procedure to completely rid herself of memories of him and their relationship. Not just the painful ones; all of them. In retaliation, anger, and heartbreak, Joel decides to do the identical and signs as much as have memories of Clementine and their relationship erased at the identical clinic called Lacuna Inc.
Throughout the movie, there are numerous instances of limerence. In one scene, for instance, while journaling, Joel runs into Clementine on a train to Montauk (for context, that is post-procedure, they usually don’t realize they used to know one another). After Clementine smiles at Joel, he immediately feels drawn to her. “Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?” wonders Joel, scribbling in his notebook. Now remember, limerence requires a level of romanticization and expectation that doesn’t align with reality and that is strictly what Joel is doing here (and seemingly has an inclination to do with most ladies).
In one other scene at Barnes & Noble, where Clementine works, she is talking to Joel and reinforces the very fact she is flawed. “Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive,” she says. “But I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.” Here, Clementine describes what it’s prefer to be the one that is the item of one other’s limerence. To someone in limerence, the person they “love” will take away any pain of the past, put them back together, and infuse the zest for all times they’ve been missing into their veins. And that is exactly why limerence is so toxic: that is just too much pressure to placed on one other person. People are only people, even those we fall in love with. No one can complete some other person. We should be whole on our own.
2. 500 Days Of Summer (2009)
500 Days Of Summer is a main example of what happens when someone is in limerence. In this case, the person was Tom (Joseph Gordan-Levitt), a greeting card author who becomes infatuated with Summer (Zooey Deschanel), his boss’ recent assistant. Tom pines after Summer for weeks until they eventually begin a situationship of sorts.
Summer is evident from the very start, and throughout the movie, that she just isn’t excited by a serious relationship with him and just desires to have a good time. This doesn’t stop Tom from reading into each “sign” that Summer may truly love Tom back, though. He convinces himself she just needs time to let her partitions down and fully let him in. Tom thinks Summer just holding back because of her trust issues. He doesn’t understand how they couldn’t not be endgame with all of their mutual interests, sex, and fun. Tom reads an excessive amount of into every little thing and doesn’t face the reality of Summer until he’s forced to achieve this.
In one montage, Tom looks back at their situationship with a unique lens: reality. He finally realizes those “signs” he clung to were that of fantasy and nothing more. And this an enormous symptom of limerence: counting on your personal interpretations and projections to maintain your feelings and hope alive quite than facing the true nature of another person and your relationship with them.
3. Her (2013)
Her is a science fiction and romance written, directed, and co-produced by Spike Jonze. In the movie, Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoenix) is a lonely author who finally ends up falling in love with a girl named Samantha. The twist? Samantha is definitely an A.I. virtual assistant personified through a female voice (voiced by Scarlett Johansson). Her is a direct portrayal of limerence because of the inconceivable logistics of a person having the ability to perform a real relationship with A.I.
4. New Moon (2009)
While Bella and Edward’s relationship throughout your entire Twilight series just isn’t exactly what could ever be considered a healthy, loving relationship, it’s within the franchise’s second installment New Moon that their toxicity reaches recent heights.
After Edward suddenly breaks up with Bella and leaves to unknown whereabouts, Bella is totally devastated and falls apart. She experiences frequent panic attacks, periods emotional emptiness, and ultimately becomes a shell of herself without him.
While breakups at all times suck, Bella’s extreme response to her and Edward’s is a main example of the emotional dependence that coincides with limerence. Not only that, Bella becomes obsessive over time, acting recklessly in an try to bait Edward into returning. She often has vivid fantasies that border on hallucinations of Edward coming back to rescue her from the damaging situations she purposely keeps getting herself into. While Bella and Edward do eventually get back together, the breakup proves that their relationship just isn’t in any respect something to be admired.
