According to research by Dr. John Gottman, founding father of The Gottman Institute, there are 4 communication styles (The Four Horsemen) that may predict divorce with 90% accuracy. These 4 toxic communication styles are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Learn more about each of those communication styles, in addition to learn how to counteract their effects, below.
1. Criticism
What it’s: Criticism isn’t the identical as expressing a crossed boundary, asserting oneself, or speaking up a couple of concern. Rather, criticism is a blatant attack in your partner’s character. For example, in case your partner struggles with tardiness, criticism of this trait might sound something like, “You are always so late to everything. You’re so careless.”
What to do about it: According to Gottman, the fix to criticism is to softly express concerns using “I” statements and positive language surrounding needs in addition to not saying “you” to avoid directing blame in your partner. For example, in case your partner is consistently late to this point night as a substitute of claiming something like, “You’re always late, do you even care about me at all?” you can say, “I really need to get to our dinner reservations on time so we can spend more time together and be less stressed. Can we work on that together?”
2. Contempt
What it’s: The next of the Four Horsemen is contempt. Contempt is asserting moral superiority. For example, sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. According to Gottman’s research, contempt is essentially the most destructive of the Four Horsemen and the primary indicator of divorce.
What to do about it: In order to combat contempt in your marriage, you will want to give attention to rebuilding respect and appreciation in your relationship. Some ways to do this is able to be acting more affectionately, expressing more gratitude, and respecting each other’s boundaries.
3. Defensiveness
What it’s: Defensiveness appears often in response to the primary horseman, criticism. It often is completed to shift blame back to your partner while you feel you’re being unjustly criticized.
What to do about it: In order to assist curb defensiveness, it’s critical to take a look at a situation out of your partner’s perspective in addition to take responsibility for any role you played in a given conflict.
4. Stonewalling
What it’s: Stonewalling is essentially the silent treatment on steroids. It’s while you completely stop interacting together with your partner following an argument and shut down like a vault and refuse to attempt to solve the issue.
What to do about it: The best solution to counteract the results of stonewalling is to take a step back and spend a while solo to self-soothe. Gottman recommends at the least 20 minutes with a view to help bring your heart rate down and diminish lingering anxiety it’s possible you’ll be experiencing from the conflict.
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The presence of The Four Horsemen doesn’t mean your marriage is necessarily doomed, but it surely does mean some work may must be done with a view to strengthen your relationship and have a healthier partnership.
