If a man ghosts he’s just not that into you… or is he??
Allow me to clear up any confusion by telling the story of the time I got ghosted and decided to achieve out to him anyway… and the chaos that ensued and life lessons learned.
It was a Saturday morning, I stepped off my bed and into inches of water. Huh? It turned out my roommate’s boyfriend clogged the bathroom in the midst of the night and didn’t say anything and now the apartment was flooded.
The maintenance staff advised we get out of the apartment for the day while they got the situation under control so I made a decision to pass the time by day drinking at a bar with some friends.
While we were out I spotted a extremely cute guy. He was on the bar ordering drinks so I edged my way in right next to him, some flirty glances led to flirty conversation and we had liftoff.
My friend and I spent the day with him and his friend bar-hopping everywhere in the West Village. I couldn’t quite tell where he stood, it gave the look of he was into me… but then it gave the look of he was into my friend… and then it gave the look of he wasn’t into either of us,
I used to be confused and doing my best to get this guy to love me because he was just so cute and I felt something shift in me… and I hadn’t felt anything shift since my ex and that was two years ago.
And somewhere in the midst of my confusion, he kissed me! I used to be ecstatic, bursting on the seams.
Day turned to nighttime. I had to satisfy my family for dinner and he convinced me to return back out afterwards to hang around that evening. I obliged and ended up spending the night at his apartment but explained to him only because my apartment was flooded with toilet water and I didn’t need to return there. We spent a chaste night together and then got breakfast the following morning. It really felt like we had gone on five dates inside the last 24 hours and it gave the look of perhaps this might actually be something.
We made plans to see a movie later that week and off I went, feeling thrilled by how radically my life had modified in a mere 24 hours… from waking up in toilet water to having plans with a extremely cute guy who made me feel all fluttery!
One day goes by and I don’t hear from him… but that’s OK since it’s only a day and it’s not like we’re dating, I don’t need to listen to from him day-after-day.
Another day goes by…. Maybe he just doesn’t need to look desperate.
Another day goes by…. Maybe I should friend him on Facebook so he remembers me? (I friend him on Facebook. He doesn’t respond).
Another day goes by…. Did I misunderstand something? Did I do something?
It is now Thursday morning. We were purported to see a movie that night. I even have two decisions… just let this go… or take the shameless route and ignore conventional wisdom which might say he’s just not that into me.
I go together with the latter because he was cute and I liked him and I never like anyone… he made me feel something that I didn’t even know I had the capability to feel anymore after the number my ex did on me. We rejoiced together… he was into me, I do know he was! I wasn’t dreaming, he was into it. Maybe he got scared, perhaps he didn’t save my number, I don’t know what happened but I’ll fix this.
A sudden wave of boldness takes me over and I call him. Yes, call not text.
He answers sounding confused.
“Um, hi. It’s Sabrina. I just wanted to know if we were still on for tonight…”
“Oh, um, hi, yeah, um, I don’t know. I mean, I guess?”
It’s painfully awkward. It’s clear he’s regretting his decision to reply the phone. But now I’m committed to this. It’s happening.
We resolve to go to dinner as a substitute of a movie. He’s waiting for me within the lobby of my apartment and I see him before he sees me, and he just looks miserable, like he doesn’t need to be there in any respect.
I take a number of breaths and cheerily greet him.
By the time we’re outside the constructing, his demeanor changes. He grabs me, gives me a passionate kiss, and says, “ I forgot how pretty you are.”
Huh?????? Is that why he didn’t call me? Did I look bad within the morning after a day of drinking with my makeup all smeared? He also mentioned that I should change my Facebook profile picture because I look so much higher in person… perhaps he thought he had beer goggles when he was with me and that’s why he didn’t call??
I brush off any feelings of being offended or insulted… I’m here to make things better! And boy does it work.
While we’re at dinner, he falls in love. He’s me intently, then he apologizes for not calling. He says something about having a busy week and he’s sorry.
I remain cool as might be, totally unfazed. “Don’t worry about it,” I say with a coy smile.
The confidence, the simple breezy attitude… I don’t recognize the person I’ve change into but I prefer it. I’m also pretty pleased with myself for going out on a limb, for taking that probability and calling him after he forgot about me. Screw conventional wisdom, I broke the foundations and I won!
After that we began dating… and at first, it was great.
But then there was a shift….
Another shift, but this time in the wrong way. All of a sudden he just didn’t seem so into it. All of a sudden I felt like I had no idea where we stood. All of a sudden I felt like I used to be chasing the connection.
I used to be hearing from him less and less… and there was a marked de-escalation.
Then he would disappear for every week or weeks at a time. But he at all times got here back… and I at all times took him back without query. I won him back once before and I’ll just keep doing it!
But then he really disappeared. Several weeks had passed by with no word. I used to be defeated and dejected but I wasn’t going to debase myself by calling him. I might move on with my head held high. But then he called me out of the blue one night…
As soon as I saw his name appear on the screen, I forgave him. Whatever the explanation for his disappearance, I could get past it.
But he wasn’t calling to apologize. Oh no…. He had actually called me by accident pondering he was calling another girl he was clearly dating. He hung up the phone on me as soon as he realized his mistake. I just stood there, my jaw on the ground.
I called him back, hoping for a proof. He didn’t answer. I text him saying something to the effect of. “Hey- that was really weird. I think you owe me an explanation after all the time we’ve spent together.”
I never heard from him again.
So what’s the moral here?
Well…. If I had just allowed him to ghost me the primary time around I might have spared myself from the second heartbreak, which was very devastating and humiliating!
The fact is, he just wasn’t that into me. He did like me… he just didn’t like me enough. When we met on the bar and I couldn’t tell how he felt… that’s because he didn’t know either! When a man likes you, it’s obvious!
Then when he was a number of drinks in, whatever amount of interest or attraction there was grew and it became a thing. When he was sober again, it was gone and he just didn’t feel that pull to see me because again, he just wasn’t that into it. And perhaps he also thought I looked ugly in my Facebook picture!
But then I needed to go and mess with the natural order of things. I called him… and regardless of himself, he humored me and showed up. And then I’m unsure why, but a few of that interest began to grow. I feel a part of this needed to do with my confident demeanor. While I used to be removed from confident on the time, I did present myself as such when things began up again for round two… I also had so much occurring in my life and with my job so I wasn’t at my usual level of neediness and he was into it.
But your true self will at all times emerge (because of this playing games and “the chase” is rarely a sustainable strategy) and on the time I used to be emotionally messy and insecure and very young and he simply lost interest. It happens.
If you’re in a situation where you might be doing many of the chasing or pursuing it’s just not a great sign. If that’s the dynamic you’re in, pull back and see what happens. If you only never hear from him again… well there you go.
Numerous the time what happens is a passive reciprocation loop. Basically, you reach out and he responds… and he’s very nice… but in the event you stop contacting him you’ll probably not hear from him again.
And if a man ghosts… there really isn’t any reason to achieve out. No response is a response.
If you wish a proof for why it happened and why he lost interest (or why he made plans to take you to the films and then vanished!) … well you won’t get one from him! He probably doesn’t even know why he lost interest or didn’t feel a pull toward you. That’s just how these items work sometimes.
The most significant thing to do shouldn’t be let this rejection define you. It doesn’t mean anything about you. It shouldn’t be confirming the worst fears you’ve about yourself.. that you just’re unworthy and unlovable. It just implies that this wasn’t your person… and he happened to receive the clarity before you had the possibility to but eventually you’ll have seen it too!
