Does your effort to support your partner spiral into arguments?
Maybe you may relate to Elena and Tom below.
Elena: (Sighs) Today was… overwhelming. It felt like every thing that would go mistaken,
did.
Tom: At least it’s over now, right? I’m sure it’ll be higher tomorrow.
Elena: (Feeling misunderstood). It’s not nearly having a nasty day. Today made me
query if I’m even good at what I do.
Tom: You’re overthinking it. You’re great at your job! Why don’t you simply loosen up?
Elena: (Feeling dismissed) I’m trying to specific how I feel, and also you’re dismissing it as if
it’s nothing!
Tom: (Defensive) I’m not dismissing it, I’m attempting to enable you to move past it.
The conversation escalates, highlighting a core marital problem: their meta-emotion mismatch. Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman found that ‘the [meta-emotional] mismatch alone predicted divorce or stability in the next four years with 80% accuracy.’ Tom and Elena are experiencing a clash between an emotion-attuning style (Elena) and an emotion dismissing style (Tom).
In many heterosexual relationships, in line with Dr. Gottman’s research, a prevalent source of conflict is the emotional dismissiveness of husbands towards their wives’ negative emotions, resulting in feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect. This pattern is a significant contributor to unresolved emotional injuries, which, if not addressed, can erode the connection. But what exactly is meta-emotion?
Dr. John Gottman, describes it as how we feel about feelings. It encompasses our emotional reactions to our own emotions and people of others, including whether we accept or dismiss them, how we interpret them, and the way we reply to them.
The Two Meta-Emotion Styles
Dan Yoshimoto, a former student of Dr. John Gottman, investigated meta-emotion patterns and identified two distinct approaches:
- The attuned pattern, which emphasizes empathy and understanding
- The dismissing pattern, which focuses on logic and motion over emotional engagement
These patterns often stem from our upbringing and the emotional culture of our families, shaping how we take care of emotions as adults. An emotion-coaching environment teaches us to value and understand our emotions, whereas a dismissive environment leaves us to give attention to logic and actions one can take relatively than understand emotions. As seen with Tom and Elena, this mismatch can result in unhealthy conflict.
Gottman research showed that in close relationships the main incompatibility in marriage is a mismatch in how people view the negative emotions. In my work with marriages, I call this pattern the top vs. heart problem. One partner is attempting to connect with their heart by expressing emotions and in response, the opposite partner is trying to unravel the issue with their head by utilizing logic or actions.
Consequently, this dynamic results in each partners feeling misunderstood, escalating conflict. The partner searching for emotional attunement feels emotionally dismissed, whereas the partner favoring a more logical approach feels their intentions are misconstrued.
When Tom perceives Elena’s accusation of dismissal—a tactic he employs in his try to provide support—he instinctively defends his actions. This defense only intensifies Elena’s feelings of isolation and neglect. Without effective communication and determination, the connection faces significant challenges.
Fixing meta-emotion mismatches
Addressing a meta-emotion mismatch is possible with the structured approach developed by the
Gottmans.
Step 1: Understanding must at all times precede motion
The initial step involves acknowledging that each approaches, understanding and motion
regarding emotions are valid; nevertheless, their effectiveness depends upon proper timing.
Attuning with one another’s emotional states equips partners with the obligatory foundation to
then undertake actions that profit the connection mutually.
The best structured approach to do that is using the State of the Union Meeting:
- Understanding Each Other: The First Part of the State of The Union Meeting
- Reaching a Compromise: The Second Part of the State of the Union Meeting
Through the State of the Union, even essentially the most action-oriented partner can learn the worth of
understanding before advising, and attuning partners, feeling understood, can take actions. This
can transform conflict into a peaceful and connective experience for each partners.
Step 2: Create a Shared Emotion Culture In Your Relationship
This step becomes particularly crucial in families, where the emotional dynamics between
parents and kids impact the general family harmony. The Gottman’s suggest learning
emotion coaching.
For the emotion-dismissing partner, learning and practicing emotion coaching not only
enhances trust with their children but additionally strengthens the bond with their partner, promoting
deeper emotional intimacy.
For the emotion-attuning partner, reframe your partner’s action-orientated attempts as a
technique to make things higher. This validation, paired with the partner working on emotion
coaching will help them lean more into emotions which have been overwhelming prior to now.
Step 3: Explore Emotion Upbringing
Addressing meta-emotion mismatches may also be achieved by engaging in discussions about
each partner’s emotional experiences in childhood, including how they were comforted, and
their parents’ reactions to their emotions resembling anger, sadness, joy, fear, love.
By understanding one another’s emotional upbringing, it creates empathy and understanding to
do things otherwise on your marriage.
Step 4: Practice Emotional Attunement and Actions
Practice emotional connection skills resembling sharing emotions and listening via ritualized
emotional check-ins resembling the Stress-Reducing Conversation and State of the Union to
maintain and strengthen the emotional bond.
The result
After adopting these steps, Tom and Elena’s interactions transformed:
Elena: Today was overwhelming. Everything appeared to go mistaken.
Tom: That sounds tough. Do you should discuss it?
Elena: Yes, that might be so helpful..
This shift from conflict to connection demonstrates the facility of understanding and
addressing meta-emotion mismatches. By fostering an environment of emotional
attunement after which motion, couples can navigate challenges more effectively, laying a
foundation for a resilient, connected, and respectful partnership.
