Exes are frequently exes for good reason(s), so in the event you’re dating someone who isn’t exactly smitten by theirs, that doesn’t mechanically make them a monster. A bit of lingering resentment after a breakup—especially a particularly bad one—is normal, but when someone describes all of their past partners as total nightmares? That could be a major relationship red flag to watch out for.
“Every one of us should be able to acknowledge some lessons we’ve learned from our previous romances,” Gina Senarighi, PhD, a couples counselor based in Madison, Wisconsin, and the writer of Love More Fight Less, A Communication Workbook for Every Couple, tells SELF. For instance, possibly your ex was horrible at communicating—but you could possibly’ve been a higher listener too. Or things ended because they were at all times tied up with work and late for dates but, to be fair, you weren’t at all times understanding about their busy schedule.
On the flip side, in the event you leave a relationship considering you probably did nothing flawed and place all of the blame in your former partner, perhaps calling them “crazy,” this means you’re not willing to take accountability, Dr. Senarighi says. That’s a problem, because having the ability to come clean with (and ideally learn from) past mistakes is a crucial trait—research shows it’s related to virtues like empathy, self-awareness, and forgiveness, all of that are key for forming healthy relationships.
Another thing to think about, in response to Dr. Senarighi: Trash-talking exes can reveal a lot about someone’s character—and the way in which they might talk about you someday. Think about it: If they’re comfortable labeling people they once dated and loved as “crazy” or “insane,” what’s to stop them from using the identical hurtful language to explain you?
Of course, there are exceptions: Maybe their ex really was a jerk or did something awful that justifies some lingering bitterness. Or they only have an unlucky knack for choosing all of the flawed people. Regardless, as an alternative of simply nodding along, Dr. Senarighi says it’s a good idea to ask why they’re painting their former partner in such a negative light.
How they respond, she says, can offer you some priceless insight into what you’re coping with. Let’s say they call their ex “psycho” or “unhinged,” for instance, and while you ask for more details, they reveal that this person consistently cheated on or gaslit them. Dr. Senarighi says this isn’t necessarily a red flag since their unkind words are a response to emotional pain—slightly than a pattern of blaming others or simply being an asshole.
However, in the event that they deflect (“I don’t know, they just turned out to be completely nuts!”) or dismiss your concerns (“Who cares? It’s in the past now!”), that indicates that there are probably more deep-rooted issues occurring, like a lack of empathy or self-awareness, that you wish to avoid, Dr. Senarighi says. Otherwise, you’ll likely find yourself on their list of “exes from hell,” someday too.
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