Every time I come across an interview with Shay Mitchell, I brace myself for it: The topic the star—who, for the record, has built a wildly successful profession as an actress, entrepreneur, and social media personality—will inevitably find herself addressing. And sure enough, once I saw a clip of her recent appearance on The TODAY Show, the subject did, actually, come up again.
The topic in query, after all, is marriage. Mitchell has been along with her partner, Matte Babel, for years, and the couple shares two daughters. They’ve remained single—which comes as a real shock to people. And look, I get it. I actually (as someone who was raised in a very traditional family unit and have admittedly old-school partnership wants for my very own life) are inclined to routinely assume that folks wish to get hitched, especially in the event that they’ve had kids together like this particular couple has. But that doesn’t at all times need to be the case, especially in 2024. So, why can’t we just let Shay Mitchell’s relationship status go? Ahead, I’m diving into the ridiculousness of all of it, however the TL;DR version is that this: Let Shay Mitchell (and all other women, for that matter) live her own life.
Shay Mitchell doesn’t owe anyone answers
Mitchell doesn’t want that traditional family setup, and she or he’s made this clear over and once again. It’s price noting that the actress plays in Hollywood circles where nontraditional partnerships like hers are super common. So why do people continuously query and center her views on marriage? Why can’t we just let her live the life she designed for herself?
For reference, Mitchell and her partner have been together since 2017, in keeping with PEOPLE. They share daughters Atlas, who’s 4, and Rome, who’s 1. Their arrangement is just not so different from other celebrity couples who had single partnerships after kids. Yet people just cannot appear to wrap their heads around Mitchell’s desire to remain single. She’s addressed this so repeatedly. During a 2020 interview, for instance, she shared the thought of getting married is something she’s “never cared for.” She brought it up again during a 2023 Call Her Daddy appearance.
It’s not just that Mitchell is continuously being put into positions where she has to deal with her selection to stay single to the daddy of her children. It’s also the way this addressing is handled after the very fact: It is at all times a headline. Interviews with the star are at all times led with teasers featuring her talking about her thoughts on marriage. The treatment Mitchell receives feels so different than what other celebrity couples who’ve kids outside of marriage receive. But here’s the thing, despite being asked about her relationship status all the time and addressing it very clearly, Mitchell doesn’t owe anyone a proof. So, why do people keep asking?
Shay Mitchell is proof we hold AAPI women to unfair standards
I do know what you’re considering: No one has ever brought up race when questioning Mitchell about her views on or plans for marriage. And sure, that could be true. However, racial biases are sometimes unconscious, and it often takes someone who has been personally affected by them to detect them. I definitely don’t think anyone is consciously enthusiastic about the connection between race and marriage here, but stereotypes are real, they usually’re insidious. And the very fact of the matter is, we expect certain things from Asian women: That they’re ultra-traditional, for instance, and hold very old-fashioned, conservative views of partnership and family.
I’ve faced it so repeatedly myself. In my early 20s, people would continuously assume I’d wish to get married soon. And once I did get engaged, people commented on how my family and I were probably “so relieved” I’d “found someone.” I used to be, for the record, still in my mid-20s on the time. When it involves Mitchell, the constant questions regarding her relationship are further proof that our world doesn’t know the way to handle an AAPI woman who breaks freed from their stereotypes.
Take Goldie Hawn, who’s been along with her partner Kurt Russell for 40 years and has remained single, for instance. Hawn is widely viewed because the poster child for a cool, modern way of approaching partnership. Mitchell, however, doesn’t get afforded the identical treatment or attitude toward her selection. Instead, her decision is treated prefer it’s confusing or shocking. That’s because, to a lot of individuals, the thought of an independent Asian woman with unconventional ideas about partnership and marriage is confusing and shocking—whether or not they’re conscious of that.
But Mitchell is just not the one Asian woman to decide on a nontraditional approach to family. See: Mindy Kaling, who can be a mom of two and has remained single. People have been scrambling to work out Kaling’s relationship status and her children’s paternity for years. Time and time again, we see people scratch their heads when Asian women take this type of approach to their lives.
A lady’s relationship status doesn’t define her
Of course, race isn’t the one element here. There’s also a very real, very pervasive element of sexist pressure on women to cool down and do the old-fashioned thing. That’s why Mitchell’s views on marriage at all times make headlines, even when she’s talking about her businesses, her accomplishments, and her projects. We have this enduring cultural habit of celebrating only women’s relationships. The concentrate on Mitchell’s relationship status and views on marriage is completely linked to how we view women. After all, does anyone ever ask Leonardo DiCaprio why he isn’t married? No. We let him speak about his roles and his advocacies. We allow that work to be his legacy.
Proof of this gender bias is in all places. In Harrison’s Butker’s commencement speech heard ‘around the world, he told a group of brand latest college grads that the ladies within the graduating class were probably “most excited about [their] marriage and the children [they] will bring into this world.”
I’m a mom and a wife, and people are truly an important roles I play in my very own life. But, let’s be very clear: They don’t determine my societal value—and (contrary to what people assumed about me based on stereotypes of AAPI women), these roles weren’t what I used to be “most excited about” once I was a 22-year-old college grad. Instead, I used to be enthusiastic about profession prospects, moving to a latest city, and living completely independently for the primary time.
Above all else, I used to be most enthusiastic about crafting my very own life by myself terms—similar to Shay Mitchell is doing. Unfortunately, I, like she likely has, have realized just how much pushback women receive after they stretch the complete range of their personal agency.
The bottom line: Shay Mitchell selecting a nontraditional path shouldn’t matter in any respect
Women all face judgment and shame whatever the decisions they make. But for AAPI women, making those personal decisions is very loaded. We’re held to so many standards—from our own families and communities and from the surface world as well. All that noise makes even identifying our own decisions, let alone pursuing them, so hard.
And that’s why we have now to confront it. Race is a real element in attitudes and treatment towards Shay Mitchell’s decision to stay single.
Being happily partnered and single, having a child without a ring in your finger—those scenarios are really by no means unusual in Hollywood. So why is everyone so surprised when a woman like Shay Mitchell does the thing other stars do on a regular basis? Why is it such a big deal that she’s also taken the nontraditional path? It’s price enthusiastic about—and it gives us one more lens through which we will examine our unconscious biases.
