Say what you wish about love stories, but there’s nothing more heartwarming than witnessing friends finally realize that they’re destined to be together and all that point spent seeing other people was a waste because their person was right in front of all of them along. The friends-to-lovers trope is a tale as old as time—one which’s serving as a significant storyline for season 3 of Bridgerton.
The transformation between Penelope Featherington and Colin Bridgerton is an inspiration for all of us hopeless romantics on the market and has all of us debating whether friendship is the best relationship foundation for romance. One one that firmly agrees? Violet Bridgerton herself. But what about in real life? Outside of the context of Bridgerton’s fantastical Regency world, is friends-to-lovers a winning formula?
To set the record straight on this topic once and for all, I tapped two relationship experts and a renowned couple’s therapist for their insight. Ahead, the answer as to if friendship first is the key to long-lasting love, how the friends-to-lovers dynamic works IRL, and the way to take it to the next level with a friend, together with key signs you must move on.
Brianne Hogan: Relationship Writer, Author, and Host of the Seriously Single Podcast
Brianne Hogan is a relationship author and podcast host whose work has been featured in over 60 international publications, including SheKnows, Elle Magazine, BBC News, The Washington Post, and more. She can be the writer of Joy in the Stars and Friendship Signs, and dishes on the whole lot from dating to funds and more on her podcast.
Dr. Stan Tatkin: PsyD, MFT Clinician, Researcher, Developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT), and Best-Selling Author
Dr. Stan Tatkin is the Developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT), a novel approach to couples therapy that mixes attachment theory with developmental neuroscience and arousal regulation. His best-selling novel, Wired for Love, provides readers with cutting-edge research, suggestions, and tools on the way to higher understand their partner’s brain and attachment style, so that they can defuse conflict and construct long-lasting relationships.
Natasha Marie Narkiewicz – Sexual Wellness Expert and Head of Communications at sexual health company, MysteryVibe
Natasha Marie Narkiewicz has a background in the entertainment industry and has been working in communications and media since 2013. As Head of Communications at tech-forward sexual health company, MysteryVibe, she has intimate knowledge of the intricacies that lie in the bedroom between strangers, friends, and couples, and consistently works with doctors and specialists in the sexual health field to deliver modern devices for everyone worldwide.
How the friends-to-lovers dynamic works IRL
Nothing’s more exhilarating than realizing that the person you’ve been looking for has been the friend you’ve been spending time with all along—and it’s even higher should you put yourself on the market and discover that they feel the same. However, transitioning from friends to lovers is unfortunately not a seamless process. No matter how well you understand one another, taking your relationship from platonic to romantic requires careful navigation and managing the latest expectations this alteration brings. You might find that you just now need to have a standing date night, expect them to debate travel plans with you before booking, and so forth.
“One partner might expect more time and effort than was previously given in the friendship, and if these expectations aren’t proactively discussed, it can lead to miscommunications and disagreements,” Narkiewicz told me. She then went on to say that navigating sex and romance may also be difficult, especially if you’ve got intimate knowledge of their dating history. You might remember a steamy tidbit they disclosed about an ex whilst you’re in bed with them or that they took a date to the restaurant you’re at now, and these unpleasant reminders can evoke feelings of jealousy and insecurities. Hogan also identified that you have to also learn the way to communicate your needs and desires in the bedroom. Baring your body and telling a brand new partner which move will make you orgasm can feel awkward, but disclosing that to someone who’s seen you ugly cry with unwashed hair and day-old makeup can feel extra precarious.
And in case you were wondering, questioning whether you made the right decision is completely normal. Dr. Tatkin explained that friends-to-lovers often report feelings of disappointment or fear there’s something “missing” from their relationship. This is because friends who develop into lovers don’t experience the euphoria from neurochemicals and hormones like dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, and oxytocin that accompany the start of a brand new relationship and spark that initial attraction.
The excellent news is that none of this implies the friends-to-lovers dynamic can’t work IRL—since it absolutely can. Every relationship is different, and the roadblocks every couple encounters and the way long it takes to beat them will vary. According to Hogan, close friends will likely have a better time with this, but irrespective of your level of intimacy, navigating the transition fastidiously with open and honest communication is essential. According to Narkiewicz, the mutual trust, respect, and communication out of your friendship will remain; it’s simply just evolving.
How to take your friendship to the next level
It’s normal to take into consideration your pals sometimes; you care about them, in spite of everything. But should you end up often excited about a certain someone and getting jealous each time they discuss their dating or sex life, checking in with them commonly, and wanting to spend more time with them than ever before, likelihood is you’ve developed feelings for them. Needless to say, these feelings may be confusing and sophisticated, but there are methods to handle them.
First and foremost, discover whether you should be physically or romantically involved with them; being physical is one thing—being romantically tangled is one other completely. If you’re in the latter, give yourself a while to digest and are available to terms along with your emotions; speak about them with a trusted confidant or therapist if needed, and take into consideration what might’ve caused this shift. After taking the time to do that, you’ll be able to then try taking your friendship to the next level. Here’s how:
Have an open and honest conversation about your feelings
It goes without saying, but having an open and honest conversation about your feelings is the very first thing you must do. This is why Hogan recommends setting aside time to speak one-on-one with the friend you’re harboring feelings for about the way you’re feeling at first. Will it’s scary? Absolutely—but the best things in life all the time are. Plus, the potential reward (read: romantic relationship) far outweighs the risk.
Keep in mind that transparency and clarity are key here. “Express your feelings clearly while also respecting their perspective and feelings,” Narkiewicz said. Casually saying something along the lines of, “I’ve been feeling really attracted to you lately and am interested in exploring these feelings further. How do you feel about that?” would do the trick. Getting the whole lot out in the open will allow them to totally understand how and what you’re feeling.
That said, try your best to enter this conversation prepared for any end result. Remember that everybody’s entitled to their very own emotions, and there’s no right or incorrect option to feel. However, in case your feelings are reciprocated, here’s what you must do next:
Go on a primary date
Regardless of how long you’ve known one another, your first date ought to be lowkey, easy, and limited to 60 minutes (90 minutes max). This will take the pressure off of each of you and assist you to really explore the romantic aspect of your relationship without diving into things too quickly. Going to a stylish hotspot for cocktails, playing mini golf, and happening a hike and getting ice cream together afterward are some date ideas that will work for this.
Tackle projects together and have adventures
According to Dr. Tatkin, tackling projects together and having adventures can be an ideal option to take your friendship to the next level. Doing this can display how well you vibe naturally while also fostering the camaraderie, teamwork, trust, and support needed for a powerful romantic relationship. This, in turn, will create feelings of success and accomplishment, which might spark real-world regard, admiration, and earned feelings for each other—all of that are entry points for love.
“This shift isn’t based on fantasy, projectionism, or idealism,” Dr. Tatkin told me. “Rather, experience-grounding regard for a person with whom one begins to see as providing solid proof of something good that can be amplified and expanded to include more than just a friendship. This was my personal experience that led to the happiest and most valuable decision in my life. I married my best friend.”
Check in with yourself—and them—often
Aside from exchanging anecdotes and tidbits about your day, it’s crucial that you just check in with one another about the way you’re feeling regularly. After all, a brand new relationship brings on a whirlwind of emotions, and it’s vital that you just each openly discuss the way you’re feeling during this latest phase of your relationship. Doing this can allow each of you to know and process your emotions fully, iron out potential issues before they develop into catastrophic, and assist you to get used to communicating as a pair.
Prioritize romance
Friendship is a precious foundation that could make navigating the romantic side of your relationship easier—but that doesn’t mean you must let romance fall by the wayside. To prevent yourselves from sliding into old habits, prioritize romance and capitalize on the honeymoon phase by happening dates that foster intimacy and being affectionate with each other publicly and privately. Treating one another like a real romantic partner is essential. Plus, you’ll be able to still do the activities that defined your friendship by putting a romantic twist on them. Case in point? Elevate your Netflix binges by watching them in bed with each other while wearing some risque lingerie and indulging in some pizza and wine.
How to inform when and should you should move on
Making the switch from friends to lovers might require time and patience, but you’ll be able to’t waste precious time attempting to make something work that isn’t meant to be. And in accordance with Narkiewicz, the signs to maneuver on don’t differ from strangers to friends. A transparent lack of interest, consistent unavailability, and feeling undervalued and like the relationship is creating more stress in your life are all red flags. “If you find that your feelings aren’t reciprocated or if the other person frequently cancels plans, doesn’t make time for you, or doesn’t show an interest in deepening the relationship, these are strong indicators that you’re both on different wavelengths, and it’s time to find someone more your speed,” she told me.
That said, in case your feelings are reciprocated but you’re feeling unsure should you made the right call, Dr. Tatkin encourages you to assume what your perfect relationship looks like—not your perfect person. “Make a list of what the perfect relationship would be with person X starting with safety and security,” he said. And because relationships are all about teamwork, he encourages you to begin each item on that list with “we.” Think: “We protect each other,” “We are equal partners,” “We want children and enjoy hiking together,” and so forth.
Doing this can assist you to see whether or not your friend-turned-lover aligns along with your overall values and goals for the future. “If your current partner refuses to get on board with any of the big ticket items and work with you to make these things happen, you should consider looking elsewhere for someone,” Dr. Tatkin told me. Relationships may be about compromise, but life is just too short to settle for lower than you deserve.
Lastly, irrespective of how strongly you think you’re meant to be, Hogan says pining for someone who doesn’t feel the same way you do or is already taken only does you a disservice. It takes away time and energy that may very well be spent elsewhere and prevents you from meeting someone latest. Instead of closing the door on other romances, accept that your friend doesn’t feel the same. This will make it easier for you to maneuver on and return to being friends should you agree you’re employed higher platonically. But if being around them is just too painful for you and you could heal on your individual, that’s OK, too. Life has a way of working the whole lot out in the end—and that’s a good looking thing.
So, is friendship the best relationship foundation?
Although most couples develop a friendship on top of their love over time, Dr. Tatkin explained that a friendship built off of affection, attraction and customary interests shared between partners will not be the same thing as true friendship. With true friendship, loyalty, trust, support, acceptance, and vulnerability are present, and these components lay the framework for the mutuality, collaboration, and teamwork needed in a healthy romantic relationship.
Similarly, Hogan swears that friendship can hold a relationship together long after the attraction and lust have faded. After all, physical appearances can change, but the trust, loyalty, and connection that stems from a friendship first can stand the test of time. Not only do you are feeling comfortable around them, but the support, empathy, and respect between you extends from friendship at first—not the other way around. And for this reason, you’re less more likely to call it quits when the going gets tough.
Essentially, based on what Dr. Tatkin and Hogan said, it’s clear that friendship, as long as it’s established prior to the romantic aspect of your relationship, may be the perfect foundation for a long-lasting partnership. Transitioning from friends to lovers won’t be a seamless process, but no relationship is without ups and downs. When all is claimed and done, though, friends-to-lovers will all the time have their foundation of friendship to fall back on, and should you ask these experts, which means they’re already ahead—no matter whether or not they make their love story one for the books or return to appreciating their platonic love.
