“It’s not something you need to be embarrassed about or even make into a big deal,” Dr. Stern stresses. “That being said, you should only share when you feel comfortable. And if you’re struggling to figure out how to say it or what to do, this is where you can talk to a professional.”
“The clearer and sooner someone can portray that to a partner the better, which is true of any condition, physical or mental. That in and of itself is an act of intimacy,” Dr. Matskevich adds.
If you’re getting serious, try to really solidify that structure and communication.
Once you begin getting a bit more committed with an individual, and so they’re aware of your diagnosis, Dr. Stern says that adding some routine to your romance can keep everyone on the identical page—and potentially help to avoid conflict. “That might mean every Saturday morning you do your laundry then you go grocery shopping, or whatever it might be,” she explains. “Find tools you can use together—calendars, alarms—to make the two of you accountable for certain tasks.” Booker says that she and her partner (who also has ADHD) have a bunch of lists that help keep them organized and accountable to each other. And again, communication has been key: “We’re mindful of actively listening to each other’s concerns, not interrupting, and not getting defensive,” Booker explains. “We’re clear on our boundaries and expectations.”
Make sure to handle yourself too.
As Dr. Stern points out, ADHD is like every other health issue. An individual with asthma sometimes uses an inhaler, and someone with high cholesterol might take statins. Similarly, in case you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, certain interventions can keep your symptoms at bay—and ensure they don’t meddle along with your personal life. Dr. Stern runs a dating and relationships clinic for individuals with ADHD and notes that as well as to medication, regular therapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT (which helps you reframe your considering patterns), will help soften the impact your symptoms may need on social interactions or allow you to feel more on top of things as you navigate the entire relationships thing.
Worth noting: Lots of stimulants, that are among the mostly prescribed treatments for ADHD, are designed to be effective for certain periods (just like the work or school day, or whenever you need to be productive), Dr. Matskevich says. That could leave the tip of the day—which tends to be prime time with spouses, partners, and even dates—just a little less regulated, she says. “These meds can be really effective in treating ADHD, but there has to be a concession that the treatment is going to taper off in the evening hours.” However, she stresses that having systems in place will help offset this. You also can talk along with your doctor, who might recommend a long-acting formulation that extends just a little further into the evening or add one other dose later within the afternoon.
Remember, it’s not you—your brain is just just a little different.
As each Dr. Matskevich and Dr. Stern reiterate, ADHD is a manageable disorder that quite a lot of folks cope with. That’s really essential, because so many individuals with the condition live with some level of shame and embarrassment, Dr. Stern says. “Whether or not a person knew they had ADHD as a child, they might have been labeled as lazy or dumb when that wasn’t the case,” Dr. Stern says. Research has shown that individuals with undiagnosed ADHD in maturity often struggle with self-esteem issues, stress, and anxiety. “This mentality can be internalized at a very young age,” Dr. Stern notes.
Just keep in mind that, in case you’ve had it your entire life, you’ve likely got some special skills that those without it’d lack, Dr. Matskevich says. “This person has had to put a lot of time and thought into how to manage their life,” she notes. “And that, innately, is translatable, and often beneficial, to a relationship.”
“ADHD can be kind of a superpower,” Booker says. “When you have processes and treatments in place to manage it, you can lean into the advantages. Learn your symptoms and embrace them for what they are, so you can recognize the healthy and unhealthy patterns that present themselves. Once you can grasp that, you’ll be able to be open with your partner about what you struggle with.”
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