Differences in a relationship are sometimes seen as something negative, but they really can serve an incredible purpose. They can deepen our empathy, respect, communication skills, and our resolve. Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of The Gottman Institute and creator of many books on love, marriage, and relationships, says that we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences, and that’s how we truly experience the fruits of marriage.
Dr. Gottman explains that “every marriage is a cross-cultural experience” because each individual comes from a novel family system. According to William Doherty in The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties, partners establish a brand new culture once they come together, and the more intentional that culture is, the stronger the family ties turn into. At the identical time, bringing two individuals with different stories and different families together to form a brand new family doesn’t come without hindrances. Couples rarely speak about these differences before having children since it simply doesn’t occur to them. So, when parenting styles begin to clash, problems often arise.
It stands to reason that with a purpose to construct a robust, connected family, couples must take the initiative to reconcile their differences regarding parenting and family values. While discrepancies in parenting styles could remain, to reconcile them means to return to a compromise on practices that each are comfortable with. Dr. Gottman’s research has shown us that there are three steps to reaching a compromise – let’s have a look at how these steps will help get parents on the identical page.
Step 1: Create Physical and Emotional Safety
The research has made clear what we already know: we cannot reach a compromise until we feel secure each physically and emotionally. Compromises can’t be reached in the warmth of a disagreement. Both brains should be calm and receptive, and you must use positive communication skills, avoiding what Dr. Gottman calls the Four Horsemen (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling).
Step 2: Define Your Core Needs
What are you absolutely not willing to compromise on since it is just too essential to you? These must be defined clearly before you go into the conversation. Hold your ground in your strong values, but be flexible in all places you possibly can possibly be.
Step 3: Be Willing to Accept Influence
You should be willing to listen to your partner’s side of the problem. It’s higher to bend than to interrupt. Gottman says, “Remember, you can only be influential if you accept influence. Compromise never feels perfect. Everyone gains something and everyone loses something. The important thing is feeling understood, respected, and honored in your dreams.”
Once you and your partner are able to compromise, do that exercise to work toward same-page parenting along with your partner.
EXERCISE:
Have an honest and open conversation where you each state your parenting beliefs, goals, and ideals. It’s imperative that every of you remain respectful of the opposite during this conversation. Name your core needs and permit your partner to do the identical. Discuss your childhoods and where your beliefs got here from. Talk about what they mean to you and what you fear will occur in case you bend.
Answer the next questions together:
- I feel that you just are an excellent parent because ____.
- I feel that my role as a parent is to ___.
- My parents were ___ and I feel that was ___.
- Discipline means ___.
- It’s most vital to me for my child to be ___.
- My goal in raising my child is ___.
Create a plan of motion for common behavior problems that your kids are experiencing. By doing so, you might have each agreed upon the way you will handle each situation and also you can be united in front of your kids.
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