When your partner’s phone is just lying there—unlocked, unattended, and practically calling your name—it will possibly be tempting to quickly pick it up and begin scrolling. After all, a couple of taps can reveal who they’re talking to, what they’re saying, and perhaps some secrets you’re feeling entitled to know.
And no, you’re not a foul person when you’ve had the urge to snoop: Numerous people consider sneaking a peek at their spouse’s private texts, photos, emails, web search history, and so forth, Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD, a New York City–based psychologist and advisor for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation, tells SELF. Maybe your partner wronged you previously and you’re thinking that skimming their Instagram DMs will assist you to trust them again. Or you might have no reason to doubt them and it’s just good ol’ curiosity getting one of the best of you—and what harm could one little look do, right? (To answer that query: lots, actually.)
First of all, you’re probably not going to feel any more reassured, validated, or secure, Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. At best, you won’t find anything incriminating on their device, and then you definately’ll feel like a guilty jerk. Or, when you do stumble across any eyebrow-raising activity (even something minor like a text from an unknown number, say, or their Instagram search history revealing they’ve been admiring a hot celebrity), you’re likely going to be annoyed, anxious, and possibly much more tempted to examine their accounts repeatedly (and )—until you’re principally an obsessive detective.
Plus, secretly surveilling your partner is certain to sabotage your romance, Dr. Lira de la Rosa points out. That’s because all healthy relationships need boundaries that give every person space and independence. “It’s normal to want to keep things private,” he says (similar to group chats with pals or awkward selfies)—which is why “a reluctance to give up their phone or password doesn’t automatically mean your partner is hiding something,” he adds. And even in the event that they’ve given you a reason to be suspicious (perhaps they cheated once, or previously lied about their whereabouts), consistently keeping tabs on them and second-guessing their intentions won’t bring you two any closer.
“Trust is so important for any relationship to thrive, and if you breach it by going behind their back, your partner will understandably feel upset, frustrated, or disappointed,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains. And since you didn’t think about them, they probably won’t trust you either: Your SO can’t know needless to say that you just won’t proceed to snoop, which, Dr. Lira de la Rosa says, could make them less prone to open up in the long run. And next thing you recognize, that emotional distance may kill your spark. (Even research suggests that digital snooping can result in a breakup by increasing feelings of tension and distrust.)
So as a substitute of giving in to the temptation to helicopter over them, Dr. Lira de la Rosa suggests asking yourself what, exactly, is behind your urge to invade their privacy. Are you insecure and paranoid that your partner isn’t into you? Do you continue to have lingering uncertainties after they emotionally cheated on you last yr? Once you get a greater idea of what’s triggering your doubt, you possibly can then have a meaningful discussion together with your partner about your concerns.
