When I got engaged, I ran to TikTok. I’m getting married this October, and I even have been fed all of the “2024 Bride” and marriage advice content you may possibly imagine. I’ve been told before that marriage is difficult, and TikTok seems to agree, which hasn’t exactly eased my mind during what needs to be an exciting time.
Boston TikToker Liv posted a video in March asking the people of TikTok to stitch her video explaining why “marriage is hard”—and specifically why the primary yr of marriage is difficult. There were hundreds of responses to her video, some with more serious advice and insight on why marriage is difficult, and many more with responses like “because my husband can’t find the hamper and leaves his socks on the floor” (which is annoying but doesn’t seem any harder with or with out a ring). Intrigued, I set out to search out out if the primary yr of marriage really is the toughest. Here are what three relationship experts said about making it past the paper yr.
MEET THE EXPERT
Seth Eisenberg
Seth Eisenberg is the President and CEO of the PAIRS Foundation, a nonprofit founded in 1983 that teaches emotional understandings and behaviors that nurture and sustain healthy relationships. He has written tons of of articles on marriage and relationship education and has many years of experience as a relationship skills educator and course facilitator.
MEET THE EXPERT
Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC
Cheryl Groskopf is a holistic therapist based in Los Angeles, specializing in anxiety, relationship anxiety, and trauma therapy. With Master’s Degrees in each Psychology and Counseling, she uses a holistic and collaborative approach in her practice to guide her clients to lasting change.
MEET THE EXPERT
Dr. Trina E. Read
Sexologist Trina E. Read is a sex educator and a sexual equality advocate based in Canada. She has been a sexologist for over 25 years, and her focus helps women develop a healthy sexual mindset through making a secure space for conversations about sex.
Why is the primary yr of marriage so hard?
Challenges in the primary yr of marriage can create stress and conflict, making this a vital time for establishing communication, compromise, and understanding in the connection. But don’t let the TikTok nay-sayers get you down! Here’s what three experts should say about all the pieces after you’ve driven off into the sunset.
Adjusting to cohabitation
One reason why the primary yr of marriage could be so hard? It’s an enormous adjustment period. Seth Eisenberg, president and CEO of the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS) Foundation, said that the primary yr of marriage could be especially tough should you’re just now learning tips on how to share an area and live together. “Newlyweds might still be learning how to communicate their needs, preferences, and concerns effectively, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts,” he said. Moving right into a shared space might bring to light the differences and preferences everyone could have, and that may require compromise, patience, and healthy communication. Those aforementioned dirty socks that don’t make their strategy to the laundry bin? Yeah, those can develop into an issue.
With this said, numerous these more mundane domestic adjustments have modified since more traditional roles and timelines were the norm. Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, said that the primary yr of marriage used to be considered the toughest due to these domestic shifts. “Nowadays, many couples cohabitate and date longer before tying the knot, so the first year isn’t always as tough,” she said. “It’s more about fine-tuning your dynamics and less about massive change. If you’re already comfortable sharing space and managing conflicts, the first year can be more about deepening your bond than surviving challenges.” If you’ve never lived together before or have only dated for a short while, the adjustments is perhaps more shocking than should you know your partner’s living habits.
Changing Expectations
It’s not hard to romanticize an idea of what your marriage shall be like—consider me, as a bride-to-be, I do know. Newlyweds may get married and have high expectations based on what they see in movies, read in books, or just have seen on the surface of other people’s marriages. We can’t all the time have Emily Henry-novel-worthy chemistry with our partners all the time.
The first yr of marriage also can cause a shift in sexual expectations along with romantic ones. Whether you’ve been having sex or waiting until you’re married, many individuals have different ideas of what their sex life should appear like after they officially tie the knot. “In the first year of marriage, you’re moving from honeymoon sex into day-to-day sex,” said sexologist Trina Read. “The majority of couples never discuss this dramatic change in their partnership, and it fundamentally affects their ability to be close and emotionally intimate.” When the fact of marriage hits, and the ebb and flow of sex life in a long-term relationship doesn’t match your expectations, it could actually cause tension and disappointment for each parties.
Blending Families
Blending two families together can often be a headache. Think Bridgerton: Even totally fictional characters like Daphne and Simon navigate uniting different familial expectations and backgrounds. How much time families spend together and the way they get along may develop into more necessary in the primary yr of marriage.
It could be hard for couples to navigate their spouse’s family when they could have different religious or political values, tense relationships with siblings, or overprotective parents. Newlywed couples could have to tackle different family traditions and expectations, which may create stress and require the couple to determine tips on how to establish boundaries around their relationship. It won’t quite be the long-lasting 2005 JLo and Jane Fonda classic Monster in Law, but stuff with in-laws can still get pretty weird. After all, your relationship is your relationship, not your loved ones’s. Learning tips on how to strike a balance between what’s best for the 2 of you and what’s best in your in-laws, parents, and siblings is a process that may involve some growing pains.
Financial Stress
“Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriages,” said Eisenberg. “Newlyweds often face financial adjustments, such as combining incomes, managing debt, and planning for future expenses.” The first yr generally is a shock, especially should you and your partner don’t mix funds before getting married. To avoid this, attempt to be as clear along with your partner about your financial situation as you most likely can. “Financial transparency and joint financial planning are essential to prevent conflicts,” Eisenberg said. Being honest with one another about what you make, spend, and what you must be saving or working toward can assist ease tension around funds—if one in all you is secretly drowning in bank card debt a la Confessions of a Shopaholic, it’s probably higher to get that out within the open ASAP.
So, Is The First Year of Marriage Always the Hardest Year?
If the challenges that these experts identified are really the rationale why the primary yr of marriage gets a foul rep, it’s not the primary yr that’s hard: It’s starting a life together (and coping with socks on the ground). There’s a standard belief that any issues in the primary yr are everlasting—I do know many couples who fear becoming stagnant within the conflicts that come up in the primary yr. However, don’t let these myths get to your head. Many married couples find that early challenges help them grow stronger and more resilient as a team. At the tip of the day, the presence of a wedding certificate doesn’t change the indisputable fact that constructing a long-term, hopefully without end relationship with someone you’re keen on takes work.
Every relationship is exclusive, and a few couples may find that they’ve tackled most of those possible challenges already while dating or during their engagement, and a few may find that the later years of their marriage bring their very own set of challenges. “The real trick is using the first year of marriage to strengthen your connection and set the foundation for the years to come,” said Groskopf. Whether you’re in a honeymoon period for all the first yr otherwise you’re struggling through big changes together, the purpose is that your first yr of marriage should only make you more sure of the person you’ve chosen to be your one and only.
