Sure, we would swoon for a certain eye color or body shape, but what drives us to select a romantic partner goes way deeper than physical appearance. Rather, we search for individuals who will complement us and add value to our lives. So, once we don’t get an ideal match, we learn from the connection and don’t make the identical mistake again—or we not less than attempt to, anyway. Admittedly, falling for a similar type is a tale as old as time. But something deeper has got to be happening should you’re repeatedly picking the identical sort of partner, only to have things not work out ultimately, right?
To resolve this predicament, I tapped 4 relationship experts for his or her insight on this topic. Ahead, the common the explanation why we repeatedly pick the identical sort of partner, what this might mean, and what to do about it.
Why people pick the identical sort of partner over and once more
To mend unhealed emotional wounds
You might need unhealed emotional wounds should you’re repeatedly picking the identical sort of partner. These emotional wounds could stem from childhood or perhaps a recent breakup in maturity. “Some individuals may unconsciously try to fix these issues by entering into relationships similar to those where such problems existed before,” Brittany Astrom, LMFT, explained. For example, if someone was recently broken up with, they may pick another person with similar qualities to prove to themselves that they’ll keep the love and affection of somebody like their ex. The biggest problem with that is that their fear of getting dumped again often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are repeatedly pursuing someone they’re not compatible with, based on Suzannah Weiss, a sex and love coach.
Low self-esteem drives their decision-making
No one should accept lower than they deserve. But, individuals with low self-esteem are likely to gravitate toward partners who can’t give them what they need, psychiatrist Dr. Dees explained. “They pick partners who make their negative opinions about themselves true rather than finding healthy supportive ones,” she said. Unsurprisingly, this only reinforces their low sense of self, further cementing their belief that they deserve poor treatment in a relationship. Ultimately, their low self-worth keeps driving their repetitive relationship decisions.
The partners feel familiar
Humans like comfort zones, so we unknowingly search for what’s recognizable and familiar to us relating to love. For example, someone who grew up with an emotionally distant parent might go for emotionally cutoff partners, while someone with a narcissistic ex might go for partners with ego problems.
Dr. Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, said this behavior is driven by the subcortical processes—AKA the neurotransmitters within the brain accountable for memory, emotion, pleasure, and hormone production. “We may have sex with or date non-familiars, but as the vetting process moves forward, partners with too much strangerness may be dropped,” he told me. Dr. Dees backs this up, saying that “the fear of change keeps people from trying anything new,” and that could be a driving consider how we elect partners.
They lack self-awareness
Like Taylor Swift said: “I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror,” individuals who pick the identical partner again and again lack self-awareness. “They may have deep-seated beliefs about themselves and what they deserve that influence their choice of partner,” Astrom told me. If you think you’ll never find love, you may pick noncommittal partners who won’t cool down. Similarly, you may hold yourself back from finding love should you consider your ex was one of the best you’ll ever get; this belief will influence you to select partners you’ll never be serious about because they won’t measure up. Whatever it’s, Astrom explained that a “lack of awareness leads to a cycle where unsuitable partners are always chosen.”
There might be something deeper happening
While all of us are likely to gravitate toward what’s most comfortable and familiar to us, Atsrom says this behavior may be indicative of something deeper happening. “These recurring choices aren’t just made regarding individual mates but instead mirror one’s entire internal universe as well as emotional wellbeing,” she explained. So, while picking the usual Joe Schmo may appear harmless on the surface, albeit problematic, it’s normally more deeply rooted. Likewise, you may also have deeply rooted beliefs about love and relationships which are subconsciously misdirecting you.
“For breaking the cycle behind those repeating patterns, understanding these fundamental issues is very important,” Dr. Dees said. Once you understand where your decision-making is getting a bit skewed in the connection category, you may make higher decisions moving forward.
How to interrupt the cycle and date someone actually latest
Date outside your type
If you’re repeatedly picking the identical partner only to have things not work out ultimately, Weiss encourages you to go on dates with people outside your type. “Going on one date won’t hurt anyone, so give yourself the chance to be surprised even if you doubt you’ll end up with that person,” she said. This means swiping right on people you wouldn’t normally, striking up conversations with individuals who embody different qualities than your previous partners, and so forth. The better part about breaking out of your comfort zone is that it would provide help to find what you’re truly on the lookout for and forestall you from falling back into old habits, based on Weiss. It worked for Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, in spite of everything.
Figure out what you’re on the lookout for in a partner and relationship
Weiss suggests making a listing of 5 qualities your next partner should have, five you’d also love for them to have, and five deal breakers. Then, date accordingly. “Make sure anyone you pursue a relationship with has all five qualities you need, at least three of the ones you’d really like, and none of the ones that are deal breakers,” she told me. ”Run your dating selections by another person like a friend, coach, or therapist so that you just’re held accountable for broadening your horizons and honoring your values.” Likewise, she also stressed the importance of being honest with yourself whilst you’re dating; if someone has a deal breaker, you might want to acknowledge that—not pretend it doesn’t exist.
Additionally, Dr. Tatkin encourages you to visualise your ideal relationship. When you’re doing this, be mindful of using the pronoun “we” as a substitute of “I.” Case in point? If you wish a partner who makes you are feeling heard and supported, you’d say, “We hear each other out and support one another.” Saying, “They make me feel heard and supported” doesn’t get you fully in the connection mindset since you’re not viewing it from a spot of teamwork.
Engage in activities that might help boost your self-esteem
Building your self-esteem will provide help to finally realize how worthy you’re of affection. This is why Dr. Dees recommends engaging in activities that boost self-worth. On top of journaling and using positive affirmations, become involved in hobbies that get your body moving or express your creativity. This may be anything from joining a recreational sports team to taking pottery classes or writing. Exercise releases endorphins and may make you are feeling good about yourself, while creative self-expression could make you are feeling achieved and relaxed. What’s more, this also might provide help to discover a partner you’re more compatible with because you’ll be surrounded by others who benefit from the same things as you.
Practice mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness is just not only going to make you more self-aware, nevertheless it’ll also make you more present. This can ultimately make connecting together with your innermost thoughts and emotions easier. Dr. Dees explained that for this reason, you’ll likely turn out to be more deliberate in your approach to dating; you’ll have a greater understanding of what it’s that you just truly desire and want in a partner and relationship, and this, in turn, will can help you break away from a pattern that’s not serving you.
Meditation, journaling, deep respiratory, and yoga are all great ways to practice mindfulness, but should you’re unsure of where to begin, try enlisting the assistance of an app like Superhuman, Calm, Open, or Headspace.
Seek the assistance of knowledgeable
When it involves unpacking deeply rooted emotions and breaking away from old habits, enlisting the assistance of knowledgeable, like a therapist or mental health counselor, could make all of the difference. A mental health skilled can have the tools to provide help to get to the basis explanation for your behavior and, ultimately, provide help to fix it. Remember: You deserve your happily ever after, and if a mental health pro can provide help to get that, then you definitely’ll be all the higher for it.
Experts Consulted:
Brittany Astrom, LMFT
Brittany Astrom is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Clinical Supervisor at OC Revive in California. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from California Baptist International University and has over 15 years of experience working within the Mental Health and Substance Abuse field, supervising Associate Marriage and Family Therapists for nearly six years.
Suzannah Weiss
Suzannah Weiss is a Sex and Love Coach, creator of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject, and Resident Sexologist for Biird, a female-led, pleasure positive brand. She has written for publications equivalent to The New York Times, The Washington Post, and New York Magazine, and worked as an editor at Teen Vogue. Weiss also holds a Master of Professional Studies in Sexual Health, in addition to a Bachelor of Science in Cognitive Neuroscience and a Bachelor of Arts in Gender & Sexuality Studies and Modern Culture & Media.
Dr. Michelle Dees
Dr. Michelle Dees is a board-certified Psychiatrist who focuses on treating anxiety, mood disorders, and depression. Currently practicing at Luxury Medical Spa, Dr. Dees uses her training from Washington University to offer psychiatry that prioritizes patients’ well-being and mental health in order that they may “feel beautiful inside and out” and achieve life.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT
Dr. Stan Tatkin is the Developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT), a singular approach to couples therapy that mixes attachment theory with developmental neuroscience and arousal regulation. His best-selling novel, Wired for Love, provides readers with cutting-edge research, suggestions, and tools on the best way to higher understand their partner’s brain and attachment style, in order that they can defuse conflict and construct long-lasting relationships.
