Breakups are hard enough, but when your ex keeps coming back but doesn’t appear to want you back it might be crushing.
It could possibly be an ex-boyfriend or an ex-situation-whatever, either way it hurts and it messes along with your mind.
Maybe he starts commenting in your social media accounts, perhaps he shoots you friendly texts now and again, perhaps he desires to exit for coffee and catch up. If you give in when he desires to talk or see you, then you might be in a devastating cycle of gaining false hope and pondering he desires to get back together, only to experience to crushing blow of rejection once more when he either disappears or tells you he doesn’t need to try again.
But then why? Why does he keep coming back? Surely it has to mean something!
A variety of women will make the error of pondering he keeps coming back because they’re meant to be, because he really is her soulmate or twin flame and just can’t live without her (and to that I just must say, if he was truly meant to be with you then he would actually be with you!).
This is the reality about why he keeps coming back into your life:
1. He doesn’t need to feel just like the bad guy.
No guy, at the very least no normal, emotionally healthy guy, makes it a goal to interrupt a lady’s heart. He doesn’t need to hurt you, he desires to consider you’re on the identical page as him and everybody can move on and be comfortable.
A really very long time ago, during my single days, I met a extremely hot guy who also happened to be really smart and nice, a jackpot!
And he was super into me instantly. And provided that things never ever appeared to work out the best way I wanted, I figured the universe was finally throwing me a bone and I used to be getting what I deserved after so a few years of heartache and rejection.
We went on a number of dates and while we rejoiced, it was very clear this wasn’t a match. He was still very much in his “frat boy” era regardless that he had long since graduated, and I used to be in my late twenties and dating more seriously. It wasn’t nearly having fun, I wanted to search out someone I could get serious with.
I knew the reality, but he was just so hot I made a decision to disregard it and keep going, but then he not so surprisingly ghosted me. Even though I saw it coming, I used to be upset about it. But the show must go on.
Weeks went by after which I randomly bumped into him on the streets of NYC (it’s at all times hard not to consider things as being meant to be when that happens, because seriously — what are the percentages?!).
Now if I could return in time and redo this moment, I might have just been cool and picked up, I might have given him a friendly hello and been on my way. But that’s not what I did, I used to be overcome with a desperate must win him over, to get things back on course. After some flirty and friendly banter, I invited him to a comfortable hour thing I used to be going to later that week.
He showed up, I attempted to get him back, and I failed and felt like an idiot.
A number of months go by after which he randomly texted me wishing me comfortable holidays. I immediately thought this meant he was keen on me again, that he had lingering feelings that were bubbling as much as the surface.
But no, nothing got here of it. But he would still shoot me friendly texts here and there. And I might normally reply enthusiastically after which the conversation would die off.
So what was his deal?
Well, I did run into him a number of times at different events a few yr after our “relationship” and I learned he’s just a extremely nice guy. I didn’t really listen to that part when were dating because I used to be so focused on getting him to love me, but he’s just form of a sweet little puppy and I believe he just didn’t need to feel just like the bad guy by ghosting a lady. So in his mind, he wasn’t really ghosting because he was still texting me now and again. And I’m not giving him a complete pass here. What he did was immature, but as I said, he was still in his frat boy era. And I don’t think he realized that he was giving me false hope each time he texted. I genuinely think he thought it was the sort thing to do, he didn’t want me to feel like I used to be just discarded.
No guy ever desires to feel just like the bad guy. No guy is bragging to his friends in regards to the girl he just ghosted.
2. He misses you.
Desire, attraction, and feelings of liking or loving someone are complex, these items don’t activate and off like a lightweight switch.
It’s possible he’s reaching out because he genuinely misses you and misses what you shared together… but that doesn’t mean he desires to get back along with you.
A training client of mine was going through a fairly amicable breakup. Basically, she was taking her guy as a right, he was fed up and broke up together with her. He didn’t feel like he was what she wanted, he at all times felt inferior, like his true self wasn’t adequate. She realized the worth of what she had as soon as he now not had it and was eager to get him back.
She tried her best but he wasn’t budging and it was clear he never would, his mind was set. She began to maneuver on, but every few months he would resurface and text her something that punctured her fragile heart all once again. He would text song lyrics about lost love, and comfortable memories they shared, or say devastating things like: “I never loved anyone as much as you.” But it’s not because he had a change of heart, it’s because he genuinely missed her and sometimes his emotions would override his higher judgment.
Matters of the guts are rarely black and white. It’s not so simple as, “I don’t want to be with you and so I no longer want anything to do with you.” You can recognize that somebody isn’t the suitable person but still miss a variety of things about that person.
3. He desires to hook up…
People have needs… sometimes selfish needs. And when you hear from him once in a while and find yourself hooking up but then don’t hear from him again until he calls you sooner or later and needs to hook up… well then you have got your answer as to why he keeps coming back!
This is a simple trap to fall into when it’s a relationship with explosive chemistry but not much else to face on. Chemistry is very important, but it might never compensate for fundamental compatibility.
4. Ego fuel.
It feels good to be wanted and desired, excellent. And sometimes our egos need that fuel of knowing we will still have something.
I’m sure he has lingering feelings as well, but when he’s reaching out to you always to gauge how you are feeling about him, then he’s most definitely just searching for a pleasant ego-stroking.
5. It’s comfortable.
There is comfort within the familiar even when we all know the familiar isn’t right for us. Our hearts and minds will at all times pull us toward the familiar. Most people do the identical things every morning, think the identical thoughts throughout the day, ascribe the identical meanings to events, and feel drawn to the identical sorts of people, normally those that feel familiar and mirror qualities of vital figures in our past. We’re creatures of habit.
It’s especially likely he’s coming back out of comfort or familiarity if it was a long-term relationship or if he doesn’t have much else happening in his life and he feels the gaping hole of the space you left behind.
6. He has an avoidant attachment style.
Now here’s the tricky thing with people who find themselves avoidantly attached … once you’re there and available, they might feel the necessity to run or draw back. But as soon as you’re not there, he feels a pull toward you.
If you’re in an on-again-off-again cycle with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it’s possible that he doesn’t really know what he wants or tips on how to manage his needs.
Attachment styles will be managed but it surely requires emotional maturity to achieve this. If he breaks up with you when he feels smothered, and comes crawling back when he craves closeness again, then his attachment style is running the show and he must get a greater grip on it.
It is feasible to have a relationship with someone who’s avoidantly attached but they should learn to specific what they need as a substitute of shutting you out. He must learn to say, “I need some space” as a substitute of ghosting you or breaking up with you when it appears like an excessive amount of.
7. He still likes you… he just doesn’t like you sufficient.
This is frequently essentially the most confusing of all. He has feelings for you, they simply aren’t strong enough.
Usually, this happens after a “situationship.” He either ends things or ghosts… you’re devastated, but then he keeps coming back and supplying you with false hope.
The reason is he does such as you… he does find you cool and attractive and fun and interesting… he just doesn’t like you sufficient to need to be in a relationship with you.
Now let’s discuss what to do when you’re in a situation with a man who just won’t allow you to go.
First, as a substitute of being mad that he keeps coming back, ask yourself why you retain allowing it. It’s easy to chop someone out of your life, you possibly can just ignore him or block him. But you’re not doing that. So ask yourself why.
Why are you allowing him to toy along with your emotions like this? Why do you continue to have hope that things will be salvaged?
If you’re allowing him back into your life, he’s most definitely scratching an itch or meeting some type of need, be it a conscious or unconscious one. Get to the basis of it.
The fact is, we teach the world tips on how to treat us. If you’re allowing him to treat you as a backup option or as some girl he texts when he’s bored, then you definitely can’t really blame him. He’s only living as much as a normal that you just’ve set.
Next, ask yourself: do I actually need to be with this man?
Sometimes we get caught up within the ego fuel, in the eye, within the drama of all of it. That was the case for me with the sweet puppy boy… he was a pleasant distraction. I used to be so caught up in attempting to get him to love me that I wasn’t really asking whether I desired to be with him. And deep down I knew it wasn’t going to work with him, I just didn’t need to take into consideration that.
Now when you’ve decided that he’s the suitable man for you, and that you just do want to offer this one other likelihood… that’s superb, but that you must realize that he also must be on board to ensure that that to occur.
And to search out out where his head is at, you’re going to must be a bit of vulnerable and put yourself on the market and say. Say something along the lines of, “Look, I like you and I want to give this a chance” and see what he says.
If you get vague, non-answers, then that’s your answer. Don’t be seduced by the “maybes,” if it’s not a sure thing, then you have got to let go and move on… or proceed to torture yourself, it’s your life!
You get one life, and if someone is ruining your ability to enjoy that life they usually aren’t treating you the best way you recognize you need to be treated, then you have got to like yourself enough to allow them to go fully.
