My friend Ashley got here to me in a tizzy someday. She was dating a really confusing man and needed help making sense of all of it.
They had gone on a couple of dates and it gave the impression to be going rather well but she didn’t quite know where his head was it. Sometimes he seemed really interested, other times he gave the impression of he couldn’t care less.
After their most up-to-date date, he didn’t really give any indication if she would hear from him again. He didn’t say he would call, he didn’t say they need to do that again sometime. She was just form of left hanging and he or she was spinning like a top.
Did I say something fallacious throughout the date? Should I even have sent a thanks text? Maybe it’s because I didn’t send a thanks text and he thinks I’m entitled. When should I text him? What should I text him? There was one point within the night when my stomach began hurting and I grimaced… perhaps he thought I used to be turned off by him???
Above all, she desired to know this: How can I get him to love me?
I listened with compassion and told her, “Ashley, if a man really likes you, you simply have to exist.
“Exist?” She said puzzled.
“Yes,” I reassured her. “Exist. He already knows you like him. You accepted his dates, you replied to his texts, you kissed him back… he knows!”
“Ok. That’s it. I’m just going to exist.”
So she kept on existing and the guy did resurface a couple of times however it was pretty clear he wasn’t super into it and that was the tip of that. And Ashley actually didn’t feel so terrible after the actual fact. By not doing what she had at all times done up to now, overanalyzing, doing all of the work, and attempting to get things back on course, she stopped investing further in the connection and it wasn’t so crushing when it ended.
Here is the thing, when a man really likes you, you don’t have to do anything.
You don’t have to plot or plan or strategize. You don’t have to craft the proper text. You don’t have to stage accidental on-purpose run-ins. You don’t have to send emissaries in the shape of your pals to assemble data on how he feels. You don’t have to do a deep dive on his social media to determine his story and mold yourself into what you think that he wants. Stop working so hard.
The only thing you possibly can do is send him a couple of green light signals. Be warm, be receptive, smile, and show interest in him. If you would like to be somewhat bolder and make the primary move, go ahead. But then that’s it. After that, you’ve to depart some space for him to return to you … and if he likes you, he’ll want t do this. He also needs the space to decide on you, to speculate in you, that is how he involves care about you. And the reverse can be true! This is just how interest is built, it grows as we spend money on someone.
Let’s return to Ashley for a minute. You see, she was at all times a doer. She at all times resisted my advice to provide a man space to decide on her.
Before the guy within the story I told earlier, there was one other guy. He was a man she was friends with for some time after which she began to catch feelings. Now since they were friends, she thought perhaps he didn’t know she had feelings for him. She decided to be somewhat daring and direct and decided to ask him out.
And he said yes!
However… finding time to truly exit proved unimaginable. There was at all times some excuse, at all times something popping up last minute. But he assured Ashley he did really need to exit together with her.
And Ashley dutifully followed up, trying to search out a day and time that worked for each of them. Eventually, they did go on a date… they usually had a pleasant time!
But there was no flow after that. It just felt prefer it needed to be forced. And she was doing far more work than he was… but he was at all times receptive. He at all times texted back, he agreed to the dates, he showed up (when he wasn’t too busy and canceling and re-scheduling 100 times).
They went out a couple of more times after which he ghosted her.
So what went fallacious? They principally fell into the passive reciprocation loop. She reached out, and he was receptive because he was somewhat interested by her… then it will form of fall flat because he wasn’t super into her… and he or she would get things going again… and he would respond for a similar reasons, and so the loop went on until he was over it or found another person up to now, we never discovered which it was.
Now had she never pursued him in the primary place, the connection never would have happened. She essentially forced something with a man who was only luke-warm interested at best.
He wasn’t the one feeling sad and rejected when it ended, she was.
When a man really likes you, you won’t should work this difficult. It isn’t in a person’s nature to see a possibility to be with a lady he likes after which not take it.
Also, do you really need to be with someone that you’ve to chase? Someone who leaves you with no sense of where you stand? This isn’t healthy or sustainable.
Now there are definitely things you possibly can do to make yourself more likable. You can work on having a positive attitude, work in your self-esteem, exercise so you’re feeling good, work on being happier, pursue your passions, all those things.
So take ownership of what’s under your control, and that’s yourself.
Stop taking ownership of what’s not under your control, and that’s how someone feels. You just can’t control that, everyone has different wants and preferences.
Learn the art of being.
Because that’s one of the best a part of being in a healthy relationship with someone who sees and appreciates you, you possibly can just be.
So stop doing and begin being.
