If you’ve ever been on a foul first date, swiped left on Tinder for hours on end, or found yourself going out with someone you don’t even really like simply to pass the time, how difficult it could be to seek out a partner whose company you enjoy. The dating pool could be shallow and unforgiving, so when someone comes along whom you may have chemistry with, who makes you are feeling good, and whose presence ultimately improves your life, it seems like a breath of fresh air.
But what if that person isn’t your age? What if that person isn’t just outside your age range but outside your generation? It’s 2024, and society has largely de-stigmatized relationships that bridge race, religion, and sexual orientation, but in some way, age-gap relationships (we’re talking 10+ years) are still relatively taboo. So much in order that popular culture still explores the topic in each non-fiction (Leonardo DiCaprio, anyone?) and fiction.
After watching The Idea of You, starring Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine, where a 40-year-old single mother gets swept up in a whirlwind romance with a 24-year-old lead singer of a preferred boy band, we began to wonder why age-gap relationships cause a lot controversy. To unravel it, we spoke with relationship experts to learn more about why people care a lot about age gaps in relationships and the way, if in any respect, they will work. While you may not be running off to the south of France with a Harry Styles-type who’s 16 years your junior, this expert insight can make clear any age-gap relationship you may end up in or encounter in the long run.
Why are age-gap relationships so controversial?
If you’ve ever been hesitant so far someone based on what people might think, you then understand the pressure social stigma can place on a relationship. The opinions of family and friends generally is a huge think about deciding whether or not you select to be with someone, and never feeling supported or validated by the people you like most can often be a dealbreaker. When it involves large age gaps, it could be difficult for outsiders to know the dynamic between two people in a relationship, which ends up in negative controversy and assumptions.
MEET THE EXPERT
Gayane Aramyan
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Gayane Aramyan is a Los Angeles-based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Through individual and couples therapy, she empowers women and couples to construct healthy relationships and navigate conflict so that they can construct fulfilling and satisfying futures.
The media portrays age-gaps negatively
Because the media has so famously accused older people of dating younger for things like sex and appears (just like the aforementioned Leo, who famously dates young women) and accused younger people of dating older for things like money and power (corresponding to Anna Nicole Smith, who married J. Howard Marshall II, 63 years her senior), the cultural outlook on age gaps in relationships is comparatively bleak. According to LMFT Gayane Aramyan, “The media portrays age gap relationships in a negative way, which shapes how we, as a society, view them.” Because of this, when someone goes against the social norms, they often experience social stigma or isolation from family and friends, Aramyan added.
Ill-intentions are assumed
“Age gap relationships have a unique power dynamic in that the older partner may have more stability (financial or emotional), life experience, or a better social standing,” Aramyan continues. In other words, these relationships are sometimes seen as transactional, which means that there are underlying aspects, outside of affection, respect, chemistry, romance, attraction, and shared life goals keeping the connection intact. When people outside of the connection can’t understand how two people of various ages could have common interests, romantic feelings for each other, and complementary plans for the long run, it could easily seem as if there are unwell intentions at play.
“There’s often concern around how the couple manages the power dynamic, their finances, and their emotional maturity. But these are concerns in all relationships and are not unique to relationships with age gaps,” added Ronald Hoang, Registered Clinical Counselor and Psychotherapist. Irrespective of age, no couple is on the exact same page on a regular basis. With differences coming by the use of salary, education, property, savings, and familial support (amongst other things), even two people of comparable ages can enter right into a relationship elsewhere and with various things to bring to the table. However, not everyone understands that, which further results in the disapproval of those relationships.
Age-gap relationships could be successful if…
In order to make a relationship work, two people need love, respect, honesty, communication, and customary ground, no matter how old they’re or what generational differences they could encounter. While it may be easier to seek out common ground with someone closer to your personal age, there’s absolutely no evidence to suggest that two individuals with an age gap can’t have a flourishing, successful relationship. With that said, there are a couple of things that help age-gap relationships thrive, which experts are helping us explain next.
Couples confront judgment from others
According to Hoang, “Relationships with age gaps are no different to any other relationship, and they have the same problems as relationships with little or no gap.” But as mentioned, there’ll all the time be individuals who just don’t understand that. Confronting this stigma and the judgment from others can assist do away with the noise and permit couples to deal with their relationship. For example, within the movie, Soléne and Hayes decided to disregard every thing being said about them within the media. They knew people were negatively viewing their relationship, and for some time, they accepted that and selected to simply be comfortable. In doing this, they were in a position to create a really strong relationship. After all, it doesn’t matter what others take into consideration your relationship—it’s yours, not theirs.
LMFT Sophie Cress adds the importance of similarities and shared interests and values. “While couples may have different life experiences due to their age differences, finding common ground in hobbies, values, or aspirations can help bridge the generational divide.” Like with some other relationship, if you happen to don’t have much in common, it probably won’t work. “Shared activities and interests foster a sense of partnership and unity, creating a strong bond between partners.” Maybe you like to play tennis together or you each like to go to live shows. You can create a robust bond through shared interests that profit your relationship and don’t have anything to do with age.
MEET THE EXPERT
Sophie Cress
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) & a Certified Gottman Therapist (CGT)
Sophie Cress helps her clients navigate even essentially the most complex challenges through each individual and couples therapy. Cress offers the resources and assistance needed to tackle issues and promote a happier and more fulfilling connection.
Couples effectively communicate
Just like in some other relationship, communication is vital. Being open and honest along with your partner about what you wish, irrespective of how unique your pairing may be is all the time essential. Cress says, “Partners must be able to openly discuss their expectations, fears, and long-term plans. This transparency helps address potential conflicts arising from the age gap, such as different career goals or family planning.” For example, if you happen to are dating someone who desires to retire soon and travel, but you ought to stay put and deal with your profession, conversations around how you possibly can each be comfortable are vital. Through effectively communicating (and compromising), especially within the areas that pertain to life planning, you possibly can make an age-gap relationship work.
What causes age-gap relationships to finish?
Wanting various things, having different visions of the long run, being elsewhere, and growing in numerous directions can lead any partnership to the top, no matter age differences. But age gaps do normally make it more likely for situations to arise. According to Aramyan, “It is true that we value different aspects of life and mature at different ages and stages in our lives, and consequently, these things can cause people to grow apart.” For example, Soléne and Hayes had their first argument after a conversation with a few of his younger bandmates, where maturity and the lack to relate to people younger than her heavily factored into her frustration.
There was a scarcity of communication on this scene between Soléne and Hayes, which Cress also notes can aid within the downfall of age-gap relationships. “Age differences can mean that partners have different communication styles, interests, or cultural references. If they cannot overcome these differences, misunderstandings and misinterpretations may arise, leading to a lack of intimacy and connection.” Like with any relationship, if there’s not enough common ground, it could be very difficult to remain together.
Between wanting various things, being elsewhere in life, and never having the ability to communicate, couples in any relationship may have a tough time succeeding. Unfortunately, age-gap relationships are highly prone to all of this stuff.
So, are age-gap relationships value pursuing?
Experts agree that couples will all the time have differences they must work through—whether or not they are resulting from age or other common differences like race, religion, culture, political affiliation, or upbringing. So, don’t not pursue a potentially comfortable, healthy relationship for fear of running right into a conflict. You will experience that irrespective of what.
Ultimately, a healthy relationship, whatever the differences between its partners, is one to have fun, and unless there’s a serious struggle of power, coercion, or one partner is under the legal age of consent, there’s likely nothing to be nervous about.
“The success of any relationship depends on the extent to which couples are able to resolve conflict in constructive ways, navigate their differences, build trust and commitment, support one another, and work as a team—all of which have little to do with age,” says Hoang. If you might be willing to do all of those things and ignore the noise, there’s no reason to avoid love due to age. After all, it’s only a number.
