Will you be there for me?
According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founding father of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), most arguments in relationships are protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath the fights, partners are wondering: Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? Do you value and accept me?
We all seek secure connections with our family members. Through this bond, we are able to feel secure and change into emotionally depending on one another for nurturing and protection. This is crucial for our emotional wellbeing. With healthy dependency, we then feel secure enough to step outside our comfort zone and take risks, knowing we’ve got someone who cares in our corner.
John Bowlby, father of attachment theory, emphasized that our ability to relate to others and create close, intimate connections is the last word barometer of healthy functioning. And isn’t that what’s missing in our modern society now? While we’re surrounded by many individuals online and in real life, many individuals feel alone and disconnected. Many feel fearful about being truly seen and vulnerable because it hasn’t been secure for them before. Even in committed relationships, people struggle showing up authentically. They often feel distant from their partners. They feel unseen, unknown and lonely.
Loneliness isn’t about being alone. It’s about feeling disconnected from others, even in a room stuffed with people. Hence, to feel less lonely we want authentic relationships. Many individuals who’re single think that when they find “the one” they may never feel lonely again, and yet there are a lot of people in relationships who feel so utterly alone.
Our Need to Co-Regulate
Brains scan studies by J. Coan parallel Bowlby’s concept of “contact comfort,” the concept secure relationships create perceptions of a safer world. Studies of visual perception also show that if we stand in front of a hill alone, our brain actually estimates the hill to be higher than if we’ve got a friend with us. What this shows is that the brain takes proximity to social resources under consideration even in basic perception processes (Schnall, Harber, Stefanucci, &Proffitt, 2008; Gross & Profitt, 2013). We need others by our side, people we are able to count on and depend on. Research shows that co-regulation with one other who feels secure to us is essentially the most effective way of regulating, much more in order that self-regulation.
What blocks stand in the best way?
So what gets in the best way of authenticity in relationships? Is it so simple as finding the precise person? Is it about commitment? Unfortunately, even with partners who we expect are right for us, we may experience problems showing up authentically. In order to be authentic, we must first feel secure and secure. It’s difficult to confide in someone, to place our guard down if we expect they might judge and criticize us or reject and abandon us.
Our past wounds don’t help either. Usually, we’ve got experiences of showing up authentically and getting hurt. Sometimes this goes back to our childhoods. Early on we learn tips on how to be, what to do and what to not do to be accepted. We all need to belong, so we’ll do anything to not get shunned by our caregivers. Later in life we may experience bad breakups, ridicule by someone we loved, betrayals, bullying and so far more that may leave its mark and make us feel unsafe to open up in this world. As I all the time say, people get wounded and healed in relationships.
Past traumas
Traumas can occur even with well-meaning individuals who just don’t know any higher, who struggle with their very own blocks and are unaware. We tend to consider trauma as big, life changing events similar to abuse, wars, assaults, natural disasters, etc. But trauma is all about perception. What could also be perceived as traumatic by one person is probably not perceived as trauma by one other. While big traumas are evident, a lot of smaller traumas could be subtle. And yet, they will add up and affect someone’s view of self, others and the world. Sometimes traumas are what must have happened but didn’t. So life experiences similar to childhood neglect, absent and unattuned parents, parents who harshly disciplined us and were critical, bullying, painful breakups, betrayals in friendships and business endeavors can all be traumatic.
Healing begins with Emotional Safety
In relationships, sharing vulnerably builds bonds. Our deepest needs for a felt sense of connection are met when our partner provides us with a secure space to specific ourselves. When our partner truly listens to us, we feel seen. It becomes easier to point out up authentically then. Unfortunately, many couples have a tough time listening to one another during conflict discussions. It’s so vital to place a hold on our own agendas and really take heed to what our partners are saying, to know them on a deeper level. This not only will help problems solve but can even create emotional safety. And this is required for somebody to point out up authentically.
Need for Repairs
You can’t all the time be the proper partner, the proper parent, or the proper friend. We are human and we make mistakes. But what we are able to do is show up and repair ruptures with our family members. John Gottman’s research shows us that glad couples even have conflict. But when there’s a disconnection, a conversation that didn’t go well, they get back on course by making repair attempts. This is a glad couple’s “secret weapon.” So to create a way of safety, we want to know tips on how to soften things, tips on how to apologize, tips on how to help our partner feel secure to share more.
Authenticity in relationships isn’t possible in an environment that’s stuffed with contempt, shame, harshness, betrayal and pain. Our protective parts take over in this case. However, making a secure space in your relationship where you’re on the identical team and delicate with one another could be the beginning of that emotional safety that’s needed for a healthy relationship.
