A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy shares the three red flags to distinguish emotionally mature people and narcissistic people in relationships.
They don’t stonewall you or give the silent treatment. They don’t mistreat individuals who’ve treated them well.
People with emotional maturity exhibit healthy patterns of communication. They have integrity and transparency, but additionally tact when expressing their emotions, and treat others, especially those that’ve treated them well, with dignity, fairness, and respect. When questions or conversations arise in regards to the relationship or friendship (provided it’s a healthy one, where there’s reciprocity and the person sharing these questions or bringing up topics just isn’t toxic), the emotionally mature person meets them with an eagerness to emotionally validate, listen, and understand the perspectives of others. For example, a husband or wife with emotional maturity would take the time to take the concerns dropped at them by their spouse seriously. They would care about and be mindful of the way in which they’re affecting the emotions of the spouse, or engaging in actions that could be hurtful. They would treat those closest to them with the utmost kindness and consideration. A narcissistic person, alternatively, often take their significant others or other family members with no consideration, and sometimes mistreat them probably the most. When you bring up valid concerns in regards to the relationship, they might say gaslighting phrases like, “I am not doing this anymore!” and storm out of the room, abruptly stonewalling you. Or they might subject you to long periods of the silent treatment to cause emotional torment and uncertainty, so the victim feels silenced and invalidated. As we’ll discuss more within the concluding section on gaslighting, narcissistic people also try to pathologize the victim to make victims look like the issue, depicting the victim as “crazy” for daring to talk out about their emotions, or attempts to get their needs met in healthier ways. Unfortunately for these kind of emotionally immature people, mistreating kind individuals with cruelty and neglect as a pattern often backfires eventually, as victims begin talking to each other about what they experienced, and gain validation that they were never the issue.
We can see this, for instance, in popular culture and media as high-profile celebrities and victims of manipulation or mistreatment have spoken out in public about what they experienced from such partners or friends on a mass scale, using interviews or memoirs (i.e. Britney Spears exposing the true nature of her conservatorship and the way in which she was mistreated by Justin Timberlake, who cheated multiple times) to reveal the patterns of the those who harmed them, only to find that this behavior tends to fall right into a larger pattern of the emotionally immature or narcissistic person and the way they’ve mistreated many various people for a protracted time period (i.e. Justin Timberlake also allegedly cheated on his current wife, so we all know Britney’s experiences are only the tip of the iceberg). These serial patterns all the time come to light – whether it’s on a smaller scale through unusual victims coming together and sharing their stories, or whether it becomes an exposé read all around the world, the gaslighting of such manipulators never truly succeeds in the long term.
They don’t minimize what you contributed to their relationship through either their actions or words.
Healthy, empathic people with emotional maturity know the right way to look beyond their ego to evaluate and self-reflect. Part of their introspection includes asking inquiries to themselves like, “Am I being fair in how I am treating this person? Does this person truly deserve this treatment?” and being self-aware enough to recollect what the opposite person has contributed to the connection and the worth they’ve dropped at their lives, while also remaining diligent about any red flags. They know when to apologize in the event that they have truly done something unsuitable, and in addition they know the right way to take a step back once they haven’t and hold others and themselves accountable when needed. For example, an individual with emotional maturity may apologize in the event that they noticed they by chance neglected someone who had been there for them for years as a consequence of being busy and make amends by taking concrete actions (like a caring gesture or spending more time with that person) to be more attentive long-term. On the opposite hand, narcissistic people will often lash out and issue unwarranted punishment to people in extremes for perceived slights, or because they received constructive and healthy feedback that contradicted their grandiose self-image or just because an individual threatened their ego. Following the identical example, a narcissistic one who is asked by their partner to be more attentive would often double down and do the other out of spite, and even subject their partner to more cold and callous indifference, becoming defensive when held accountable. In their distorted viewpoint, they feel entitled to treat people nevertheless they need. They may even proceed to punish their partner long-term for that one comment or perceived slight by withholding and withdrawing.
They don’t gaslight you or emotionally invalidate you.
If met with valid concerns and questions, emotionally mature people don’t attempt to gaslight you into believing your perception of reality is skewed or attempt to make you think that you simply would not have a right to your emotions, or that your experiences aren’t valid. They will come from a spot of wanting to know you and higher meet your needs. A narcissistic person will attempt to make you seem defective for having emotions in any respect. They will attempt to paint you as strange for having basic boundaries and desires (i.e. a narcissistic boyfriend who’s cheating may inform you that you simply are paranoid for asking why they got here home so late at night after a 12 months of affection bombing you with excessive attention, or a narcissistic wife may inform you that you simply’re being a baby for bringing up a hurtful remark they made after presenting a false image of being caring and type). This emotional invalidation and gaslighting are designed to destabilize you and silence you so that they can evade accountability. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or perhaps a psychopathic individual, it’s essential to hunt validating skilled support to process your traumas. You are usually not alone, and assistance is on the market. | Shahida Arabi is a printed researcher and bestselling writer of six books, translated into 18+ languages all around the world.
