When I look back at the entire relationships which have shaped me, especially the romantic ones, I at all times remember two things: the day we had probably the most fun and the day we had our most epic conflict. While I do not forget that there was a conflict, I often don’t remember what we were actually fighting about. What I do remember is that those conversations eventually led to a conflict about how we each take care of conflict. Or, as you may say, fighting about fighting, or much more simply, miscommunication. I remember once having an argument with a partner that went on so long, the sun got here up. I also remember watching a partner slowly creep out of a room as in the event that they were invisible so as to avoid a discussion. But mostly, I recall feelings of confusion, wondering why I simply couldn’t get on the identical page with certain partners when it got here to disagreements.
If you’ve ever felt the identical, you is perhaps wondering what you or your partner can do about it. Enter, the conflict resolution style. The conflict resolution style is the important thing to knowing the way you and your partner react to conflict and the way to support one another. When you recognize this, you possibly can start to get to the foundation of the problem, as an alternative of fighting about the way you fight. Here’s how to discover conflict resolution styles and a few advice on how to navigate them:
What is a conflict resolution style?
Conflict resolution style, also referred to as conflict management style, is the best way through which we go about addressing problems. This could be after we’re witnessing conflict or are directly confronted with it. Conflict resolution doesn’t just apply to our romantic relationships. It can apply to our friendships, our work life, and our family dynamics. It’s ultimately a component of being human, as we always navigate and react to different personalities and environments. When a conflict is going on with a partner that you simply spend most of your time with, it may possibly turn into extremely essential to discover your styles so as to work toward resolution.
What are the sorts of conflict resolution styles?
According to the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, which actually has an ongoing blog related to Conflict Resolution not only related to law, there are five essential categories most individuals fall into when facing conflict: accommodating, avoiding, compromising, collaborating, and competing. While these may appear self-explanatory, acknowledging your tendencies could be eye-opening. For me, all these categorical traits can sometimes seem too, well, categorized. So consider as you’re reading that not everyone seems to be one thing. You may feel drawn to one category, but additionally know that at work you lean towards a special category. Or you recognize your partner’s conflict resolution style, nevertheless it doesn’t at all times fit. Think in regards to the way through which you and your partner manage conflict probably the most often in these cases. Here is a breakdown of every style:
Accommodating
The accommodating conflict resolution style goes to do exactly that: accommodate the needs of others first. In order to end a conflict, this person might go together with something, even in the event that they don’t fully agree with it. This might appear to be something so simple as each partners stating what they need for dinner and one partner immediately agreeing with the opposite person’s preference. Unlike avoidance, which you’ll read more about below, the conflict is being addressed, however the accommodating partner may not be speaking up about what they honestly want.
Avoiding
The one who engages on this conflict resolution style wants to avoid conflict in any respect costs. If conflict arises, they may not engage and might simply walk away or not respond. A classic example of that is for those who’ve ever brought up a conflict and your partner has communicated to you, “I don’t want to talk about it.” However, sometimes avoiding is not going to be communicated verbally. If your partner is quiet or disengaged, that will also be a way of not entering the conversation.
Compromising
When you’re compromising in conflict, you’re trying to find an answer that satisfies each parties. For example, this might come into play for those who and your partner have different work schedules. If your partner consistently works late, but you mostly have to get up early, spending time together might require someone altering their schedule or losing sleep. In this case, a compromise might appear to be alternating between evenings and mornings for quality time in order that neither partner has to always adapt to the opposite’s schedule. When I used to be a child, I remember being told that this was the easiest way to exit conflict: each people in a relationship were equally giving and taking. I also know as an adult that that is incredibly difficult to achieve. However, it may possibly be super satisfying once you’re able to hug your partner after you’ve each reached a compromise you’re joyful with.
Collaborating
If you’ve ever worked on a project or presented something with a co-worker, you may call that a collaboration. This is an awesome way to take a look at this conflict resolution style: individuals who want to talk in regards to the conflict and move through it as one. Essentially, it’s a more emotional and in-depth version of compromising that requires a number of energy and space. Let’s say you and your partner don’t live together and are having a conflict about staying at one partner’s house greater than the opposite’s. Collaborating would begin with identifying the conflict and potential resolutions (like making a schedule or moving in together). Then, each partner might make a pros and cons list of the available resolutions. Lastly, collaborating partners would discuss these pros and cons until they reach an consequence they will each be joyful with. This might mean having designated days of the week when each partner takes time in their very own home.
Competing
The one who engages in competing conflict resolution wants to win, and they’re going to stop at nothing to get there. I’m willing to bet that this might be the kind of conflict resolution that leads to probably the most epic fights in relationships. For example, a conflict might begin with a seemingly small issue that truly deeply connects to one among the partner’s values, like asking them to clean up around your living space more often. A competing partner might feel like their values are being questioned, and as an alternative of addressing the request, will work to “clear their name” by proving that the request is unfounded. This way of resolving conflict is the opposite side of the coin to the accommodating style, but each could be just as problematic because one partner shouldn’t be being heard.
How to discover your conflict resolution style
Now that you recognize the assorted conflict resolution styles, it’s time to determine how they apply to you and your partner. If you don’t know yet, start by identifying your conflict resolution style first, then work toward identifying your partner’s. Here are some suggestions to guide your personal reflections:
Reread old journals and/or start a journal
Treat discovering your conflict resolution style like research. If you’ve ever kept a journal, it may possibly be a strong tool to understand where you and your partner were coming from, the way you argued, and what the consequence was. I’ve read entries in my very own journals and subsequently realized I once tended to compromise an excessive amount of with certain partners. If you’ve never kept a journal, this is perhaps a great time to try it out. After having a conflict together with your partner, write out what the conflict was about. When reflecting or recalling, just be as honest as possible without yet trying to discover your conflict resolution style.
Identify the core conflicts in your past
Once you’ve researched your past conflicts, it’s time to discover your core conflicts. These are the conflicts between you and your current partner or previous partners that stand out to you probably the most. This might be a memory of when a conflict went particularly poorly or an argument that has happened with multiple partners. How did you react in these conflicts? What exactly did you say or do? Was there a resolution, and in that case, did you are feeling satisfied with it? Now, discover the behaviors from the above list of conflict resolution styles you’ll have engaged in during these core conflicts.
Identify recurring patterns and outcomes
Once you’ve got an inventory of your core conflicts and the way they match up to the styles, see for those who can discover the patterns. For example, perhaps you never spoke up about what you truly wanted in a conflict. Or, you mostly got what you wanted. Maybe you and your partner spent hours trying to determine a way to make everyone joyful. Chances are, you’ll recognize the style that you simply gravitate towards probably the most. This is the style you need to be most cognizant of as you progress forward in conflict together with your partner.
In the tip, conflict resolution shouldn’t be about anyone winning. It’s about figuring it out together and resolving the conflict as a unit. Once you understand your personal style and that of your partner, it’s time to start talking about how you would like to take care of conflict. The best time to do that shouldn’t be once you’re in the course of a conflict. Instead, put aside a while to have this discussion together with your partner, perhaps over your favorite meal. Here are some suggestions to check out once you’re having these conversations, based on the conflict resolution variety of your partner:
If you or your partner has an accommodating conflict resolution style…
Sometimes, life gets so busy that we forget to ask our partners how they’re doing and really listen to the response. If your partner has an accommodating conflict resolution style, it may possibly be especially confusing to understand their needs. If you notice that your partner is at all times giving in when you’ve got disagreements or not entering them in any respect, it’s time to start consistently asking them what they need within the moment. You can start with the little things, like what show they need to binge together next, and eventually move into larger topics like funds. Sometimes, a matter is all we’d like to start the flow of communication.
If you or your partner has an avoiding conflict resolution style…
If your partner identifies with the avoiding conflict resolution style, you’ll want to discover a balance between the space they need and your need to address the issue. Try scheduling “safe space” time to check in with one another, without making an agenda about conflict. My partner and I like to spend our Sunday mornings talking about how we feel in regards to the upcoming week. Often these relaxing moments are great for an avoiding style to feel comfortable letting their guard down. In these protected moments, their feelings a couple of current conflict might naturally come up without the pressure of being within the conflict.
If you or your partner has a compromising conflict resolution style…
The compromising resolution style can often appear to be the best trait on your partner once you’re in conflict. However, for those who’re at all times compromising and nobody is ever getting what they need, you may want to try something else. Start small and work up to larger issues. If you and your partner can never determine what to do on the weekends because one among you loves crowds and the opposite loves home, you may at all times be compromising. Instead, try dedicating one evening activity a month to each partner. Go to a concert for the partner who loves crowds, after which plan a stay-at-home movie night for the opposite partner. This way, each partner is getting to do something they love without having to compromise.
If you or your partner has a collaborating conflict resolution style…
If your partner has a collaborating style, you may feel exhausted by the period of time it takes to talk through conflict and subsequent resolutions. An excellent way to address that is by setting a cut-off date for talking about conflict. If you and your partner could win a trophy for the variety of hours you’ve talked a couple of conflict, try setting an affordable cut-off date for these discussions and sticking to it. You may even set an alarm and agree that when the alarm goes off, you’ll take some space away from the conflict to do something else.
If you or your partner has a competing conflict resolution style…
The partner who has a competing conflict resolution style can often be difficult to communicate with in the course of a conflict. In this case, it’s time to set boundaries. If you are feeling just like the conflict goes nowhere because your partner just wants to win the argument, allow them to know that you simply need space and would really like to proceed the conversation later. Often this may take some steadfast boundary setting, nevertheless it gets easier with practice. Once this boundary is established, try writing down your feelings as an alternative of discussing them, which could allow your partner to hear you without feeling the necessity to initiate a debate.
What you must do for those who want to know more about your conflict resolution styles
Knowing your partner’s conflict resolution style in addition to your personal could be an incredibly helpful tool. Of course, for those who’re still experiencing difficulties with conflict, couples therapy with a licensed skilled is an efficient way to proceed exploring this topic. While so many therapists are actually on social media and sometimes have incredibly helpful infographics or videos for us to learn from, engaging in person with someone who’s trained to take care of conflict resolution is an absolute game-changer. As I discussed before, our conflict resolution techniques don’t at all times fit into one category. A therapist may also help couples determine the foundation of their conflicts, in addition to the easiest way to work through them together or apart.
