I truthfully don’t need someone as shitty as you in my life. That’s why I haven’t picked up my phone to contact you. Of course, I haven’t deleted your number either. So for those who actually texted me, I’d be dumb enough to reply.
I just need to know that you just care.
There’s no way in hell that I’m going to text you first. But for those who were the one to achieve out to me, to confess that you just missed me and wanted me back in your life, then I wouldn’t give you the chance to carry myself back from answering you. All I’ve ever wanted was so that you can put in effort to indicate me that you just give a fuck about me. Texting me would only be a tiny gesture, but it surely can be enough to persuade me to trust you again.
It’s already hard enough to carry myself back from talking to you.
Don’t make the error of considering it’s been easy for me to go months without chatting with you. If you wish the reality, it’s been hell for me. There have been loads of times after I’ve grabbed my phone, typed out a message to you, after which got here to my senses and deleted the words. Even though I act like I’m happier without you, getting a text from you’d make my entire day. Maybe even my whole week.
I don’t hate you as much as I pretend I do.
I pretend to hate you, since it’s easier to get through life that way. But you understand how much I loved you, how much I desired to make our relationship last. That’s why I’d forgive you way too easily for those who gave me the prospect. I’d let your whole past mistakes slide, so long as you promised to treat me right in the longer term. It wouldn’t matter for those who meant it or not. I’d force myself to imagine that it was the reality, because I still have irrational dreams about us living happily ever after.
I’m good at lying to myself.
If you texted me, I’d tell myself that answering you back can be harmless. Then, once you asked me to return over, I’d tell myself that spending a number of hours alone with you can be harmless. I’d keep lying to myself until I ended up in your bed again. Until you screwed me over and shattered my half-healed heart into pieces again.
I even have horrible self-control.
Honestly, it’s a miracle that I’ve gone this long without talking to you. If you texted me first, I’d last a number of hours without responding, but I’d eventually cave in. The curiosity can be an excessive amount of for me. I’d must know what you wanted to say. I’d need to listen to your heartfelt apology or your bullshit excuses. Otherwise, I’d go crazy attempting to guess what it was you desired to tell me.
I miss you greater than you would ever imagine.
I’m not going to lie. I still take into consideration you each day. Why wouldn’t I? We’ve been through quite a bit together. It can be weird if I didn’t miss you. But I even have an excessive amount of dignity to type out a message to you, so for those who ever need to hear from me again, you’re going to need to make the primary move. I’ll be waiting.
