If I could return in time, I might relive my adolescence…(said no person ever). Can you imagine? Reliving those awkward years where your teeth don’t quite suit your face, your skin betrays you, and your prefrontal cortex is from fully developed? No thanks.
If you watched Disney Pixar’s “Inside Out”, which aired in 2015, you would possibly remember Riley, the 11-year-old girl whose family had recently moved from Minnesota to San Francisco. There, we watched Riley experience emotions of Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust as she navigated a difficult transition during a vulnerable time in her life.
And finally, the sequel is here
In “Inside Out 2”, 13-year-old Riley is further along in her adolescence and must make room for some emotions which can be a bit more sophisticated: Anxiety, Ennui/Embarrassment (my personal favorite–she’s a vibe), and Envy. As a therapist and a mother, I’m HERE for the portrayal of emotions which can be a bit more complex/secondary–because when you remember your adolescent years, you do not forget that the whole lot was complicated, and emotions were most actually magnified. And many of the support you needed at the moment was not actually solution-oriented; but to be given the space to feel heard, seen, understood and accepted during those intense experiences was the whole lot.
This is where Dr. John Gottman’s Emotion Coaching will be useful. The five critical steps of Emotion Coaching include:
- Having awareness of your child’s emotion(s)
- Recognizing your child’s emotional expression as a moment for connection
- Listening with empathy and validation
- Helping your child label their emotions
- Setting limits to assist solve problems and navigate difficult situations
When these steps are done with intentionality and curiosity, you’re cultivating a foundation of connection, trust, safety, and security along with your child. Your child feels seen and supported. They can take a breath and take space to acknowledge and honor their internal world and experiences, without external or internal judgment or criticism.
Making space for ALL the emotions
One of the scenes that stood out to me most within the film was the portrayal of Riley experiencing an anxiety attack. In that scene, we witness the physiological experience of hysteria–her racing heart, sweating, and intense cognitive rumination of who she is as an individual. All of this is going on while, behind the scenes, Riley’s “sense of self” is threatened. This scene felt like a poignant and horribly accurate depiction of adolescence–an element of yourself that you simply don’t want to totally experience or share with others for fear of not being accepted. But the antidote to that’s vulnerability–sharing that authentic a part of yourself others.
Another beautiful scene I resonated with in “Inside Out 2” is when all of Riley’s emotions, the first and secondary, come together and physically (and figuratively) hold Riley’s “sense of self” while allowing her to totally experience the entire emotions, narratives, and thoughts she has. Instead of trying to regulate, they accept. And true acceptance of all of our parts is what all of us crave and desire.
In summary, this quote from the film epitomizes Emotion Coaching in a nutshell: “We love all of our girl. Every messy, beautiful part of her.” If we make space and validate all of our emotions, every messy, beautiful a part of ourselves (and our youngsters), we will live fully and authentically.
