A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy shares the red flags you’re coping with someone who seems empathic, but is definitely narcissistic.
They are superficially glib and charming relating to expressing empathy to your pain when it advantages them, or when their image might be enhanced. However, relating to validating your emotions, they might be cruel, aloof, and callous.
Research indicates that each narcissistic and psychopathic individuals are likely to possess cognitive empathy – the flexibility to discover and discern what others are feeling, considering, and desiring. They can weaponize this cognitive empathy against others to raised manipulate them into serving their needs. What they lack is affective empathy – the flexibility and willingness to care concerning the emotions, needs, or desires of others unless it advantages them personally. That is why you may meet a narcissistic person on a date who seems to initially express a fantastic deal of sympathy for you and others because they’ve a hidden agenda (e.g. wanting to impress you to sleep with you, present a false enhanced image of themselves, or get you invested in a relationship with them) but suddenly behaves coldly and callously when it doesn’t profit them. For example, later down the road you may call them to precise distress, or hold them accountable for disrespecting you, and so they invalidate and gaslight you, or kick you whenever you’re down, displaying a shocking level of indifference. People who’re genuinely empathic don’t just “switch off” their empathy with no valid reason (i.e. the exception being you mistreated them too over and over for them to increase compassion and so they now hold stronger boundaries). Truly empathic people still look after others even when the problems of others don’t affect them personally. In fact, their empathy makes them feel the pain of others on a deep level, and so they exit of their approach to not cause harm to others, even by chance. Set a boundary with a narcissist, then again, and so they shall be desperate to trespass them and violate you.
A discrepancy between their words, actions, and nonverbal expressions that reveal their sadistic nature.
Let’s say you’re confiding in a narcissistic friend that you just’ve just broken up along with your boyfriend. The friend verbally tells you, “I am so sorry,” but this phrase is accompanied by a sadistic smile and visual enjoyment of their eyes. Perhaps they look like they’re holding back laughter. Or perhaps you tell your co-worker you simply got a promotion, and so they let you know a half-hearted congratulations while giving a pained smile and an envious glare. Later, that very same co-worker tries to sabotage you. What just happened? You just caught the microexpressions of a sadistic, manipulative individual. Maybe this friend was already flirting along with your boyfriend behind your back or was envious of your happiness – and far like every narcissistic or psychopathic individual, they’re experiencing duping delight at conning you into believing they were a real friend. Maybe that co-worker felt they deserved that promotion as an alternative and didn’t care how hard you worked or how much merit you have got. When it involves communication, it’s not only the verbal expressions that matter – it’s the tone of their voice, their gestures, their facial expressions, the subtle cues that allow you’re within the presence of somebody dangerous and sadistic – someone who not only lacks empathy for any difficulties you undergo, but is definitely hoping and praying to your downfall because they’re envious of the way you surpass them.
They repeat harmful behavior irrespective of how over and over you express it hurts you. They have an inability to take accountability for his or her actions that harm you – while punishing you for calling it out.
Let’s say you by chance step on someone’s toe. They call out in pain, and also you immediately apologize, feeling remorseful. Would you wait five minutes, after which rush to step on their toe again? Of course not! The only case you’ll repeat harmful behavior against a person who has expressed their distress is that if it wasn’t accidental – provided that it was purposeful and deliberate. When a narcissistic person has the data at hand that lets them know what hurts you, the past traumas you have got, or any wounds or insecurities – and so they still use that information against you to be able to belittle and demean you, irrespective of how over and over you’ve expressed it’s harmful, exactly what sort of person you’re coping with. If you’re coping with someone who gets hyper-defensive any time they’re gently held accountable, irrespective of how politely or graciously you bring this issue up, you’re not coping with someone who’s emotionally validating, empathic, or mature. A one who possesses empathy would feel real remorse at hurting someone innocent. A narcissistic or psychopathic person rejoices in harming the innocent, irrespective of how much that person has done for them. Being overly kind and empathic to a conscienceless individual who only shows you cruelty in return only ends in harm for the empathic person. Don’t be gaslit and don’t gaslight yourself into believing someone who appears empathic is when their actions and patterns of behavior suggest otherwise. Be aware of the red flags and set healthy boundaries.
