When we’re in love, we understandably need to know if it’s going to last. We need to make sure that our commitment is a worthy investment or if we’re wasting our time. Lucky for us, there may be one approach to suss out in case your current person is your eternally person or not.
In a viral TikTok, Alyssa Caribardi explains the “bird test theory,” which essentially posits that the best way your partner responds to you showing interest in something insignificant, comparable to a bird outside, will help gauge the long-term compatibility of the connection and whether or not you and your partner are built to last.
@alyssacardibBird test♬ original sound – Lyss Lyss
As it seems, there may be actually research that supports Caribardi’s observations. According to renowned relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of The Gottman Insitute, there’s something referred to as “bids for emotional connection,” and these bids are what Dr. Gottman describes as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” In other words, bids are requests to attach along with your partner. These bids might be verbal or non-verbal and may manifest as expressions, questions, or physical gestures.
Caribardi’s bird test theory lines up just about perfectly with Dr. Gottman’s research on bids. In collaboration together with his colleague Robert Levenson at The University of Washington, Dr. Gottman present in his studies that couples who remained together in healthy, thriving partnerships (couples referred to within the research because the “masters”) have one major difference from couples who split up or stayed together, albeit unhappily (known as the “disasters”). The difference? Simply being attentive.
Dr. Gottman’s findings on the importance of attentive behavior in relationships led him to further develop his philosophy on the importance of partners constantly making and accepting each other’s bids for connection. According to Dr. Gottman, there are three other ways one can reply to a bid:
- Acknowledge (turning towards)
- Ignoring or missing (turning away)
- Rejecting (turning against)
Dr. Gottman discovered that the masters turned towards each other’s bids 86% of the time, in comparison with the disasters’ 33%. This is telling of the ability of fully showing up and being attentive in a relationship.
Turning toward your partner’s bids, and their reciprocation to your bids, is the muse of a successful relationship since it helps with trust, emotional connection, passion, and satisfying sex.
So, the following time your partner points out something seemingly silly like a bird, shares something small about their day, or just gives a tiny but affectionate shoulder squeeze, lean in. It could make all of the difference.
