Sex isn’t every little thing in a healthy relationship, but for a lot of couples, it matters—loads. Constantly hearing “I’m not in the mood” once you’re horny and able to go can do a number in your self-esteem. On the flip side, it’s normal to feel bad about repeatedly saying no and potentially disappointing someone you like.
Over time, mismatched sex drives could cause distance between partners. But whether you’re the one that wants it roughly, rest assured that being out of sync within the bedroom doesn’t routinely mean your relationship is doomed, Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Maple Grove, Minnesota, and the co-author of , tells SELF. There’s no “right” amount of sex that applies to each couple, and a low libido might be brought on by stuff that has nothing to do with attraction—like stress, medication uncomfortable side effects, and hormone fluctuations.
Even though it’s common in your drives to be at odds sometimes, that doesn’t make the situation any less frustrating. The hornier partner might feel undesirable and begin questioning why someone who’s imagined to love them keeps rejecting their flirty advances. And the person with the lower libido may experience guilt and anxiety about failing to fulfill their partner’s expectations, Dr. Fogel Mersy says.
That’s why it’s necessary to handle this issue resentment builds up. Everyone’s relationship and sexual needs are unique, but hopefully the expert suggestions below can allow you to find that completely satisfied (and hot) medium.
1. Build as much as sex.
Not everyone gets turned on by the identical things, Jennifer Vencill, PhD, AASECT-certified sex therapist on the Mayo Clinic and assistant professor of sexual and gender health on the University of Minnesota, tells SELF. “Some people experience spontaneous desire, which is what most of us are familiar with. It’s when arousal emerges, well, spontaneously and easily, without much effort,” Dr. Vencill says. There’s also “responsive desire,” which arises as a response to a selected situation or stimuli. Usually “this type of desire takes more time and intention to build up,” she adds
Understanding this difference generally is a game-changer for navigating mismatched drives and dealing towards a more satisfying sex life for each of you. For instance, in case you’re experiencing spontaneous desire, you could wish to jump straight into fingering, fondling, or penetration. But getting right down to business straight away probably won’t feel right to someone who needs kissing and other sorts of foreplay first.
To bridge these conflicting sorts of arousal, try setting the scene slowly, perhaps with some sexy music, sensual massages, or a little bit flirty, dirty talk. By progressively making a horny vibe, it’s more likely that the one that wasn’t initially within the mood will naturally get there, resulting in more effortless, enjoyable fun for all, Dr. Vencill says.
2. Block out one-on-one time.
Tension is certain to occur when one person desires to bone twice per week, for instance, and the opposite prefers once a month—which is why scheduling sex, say, once every 10 days (or whatever is sensible for you) generally is a helpful compromise, Ken Howard, LCSW, AASECT-certified sex therapist and founding father of Gay Therapy LA in Los Angeles, tells SELF.
