Are they an empath – or are they narcissistic? A researcher specializing in narcissism notes the three red flags you must be careful for if you happen to suspect they’re toxic.
Most individuals who call themselves “empaths” or perhaps a “highly sensitive person” (which is a genetic trait) often genuinely do have a heightened sense of empathy and compassion for others, in addition to a well-tuned intuition. The term “empath” is a colloquial way people can use to explain the experience of being highly attuned to the emotions of others and their environment. Yet there are also times people will claim to be empaths but will probably be anything but. We shouldn’t demonize the term “empath” because it gives people meaningful validation on how they experience the world – so, unless you see red flags, don’t rush to guage them. However, we should still be discerning concerning the red flags. Here are three subtle behaviors you must look out for if you happen to think it’s possible you’ll be within the presence of a deceptive or narcissistic personality donning this label:
They present a saccharine-sweet, “moral” image and haughty air of ethical superiority in public, preaching kindness, but engage in bullying behaviors toward others.
You’ve heard the trope that the one who writes mottos like “Love and light,” and “Be kind to others,” of their online bios often sarcastically turn into the cruelest people, and typically have a history of bullying others (that’s not all the time the case, but people have actually noticed this phenomenon). Why is that? It’s because people who find themselves authentically, morally good and type don’t often must broadcast their very own nature – kindness is their default, not the exception, so that they don’t feel the necessity to present themselves in a certain light – they simply are that way, and this quality may be seen of their long-term actions and behavior. Nor do they feel compelled to impose moral absolutism in situations, especially where victims or vulnerable persons are involved, as they know the best way to have a look at scenarios in a more nuanced way (i.e. You won’t see an actual “empath” tell a victim of chronic abuse they were immoral for lying to their abuser to maintain themselves secure, or if we’re continuing on the instance about social media, they won’t blame and shame a victim for posting confident pictures showcasing their beauty after a difficult time – only envious, narcissistic people try this). Often, the one who is authentic – transparent in each their flaws and strengths, relatively than a preacher of absolutist “morality” who belittles and bullies people out of envy and a must defend their very own toxic behaviors – often seems to be the kindest because they’re not trying so hard to present themselves as a morally superior way or position themselves above others. That being said, let’s transcend just how they present themselves: how do they behave basically in real life? Do they appear overly sweet, only to violate your privacy or boundaries? Do they rage whenever you set a healthy boundary? Do they smile at you, while sadistically plotting against you and attempting to sabotage you? Do they emphatically tell stories to attract attention to themselves in social settings and steal someone’s highlight, even while knowing another person is more deserving of being heard?
Do they fail to reply whenever you express how they’ve harmed you with callous silence and indifference, after a period of affection bombing? Perhaps they speak to you in a “kind” but condescending manner, as they struggle to belittle your accomplishments which surpass theirs, out of envy? Maybe they adopt a soft-spoken voice as they congratulate you, only to steal your work and take a look at to take credit. Notice the discrepancy amongst words, actions, nonverbal gestures, and long-term behavioral patterns. This will let you know all that you must find out about their true nature. If you might be in a relationship or friendship with a manipulative person, it’s essential to heal and break the trauma bond.
They virtue-signal and display moral outrage over issues that affect others but fail to truly support people when push involves shove. When confronted, they could play the victim.
The false “empath” who is definitely quite narcissistic is all the time telling you who they are surely. You just need to listen. Observe how they feign moral outrage over issues they know wins them clout or praise (i.e. a narcissistic woman may claim she supports domestic violence survivors, but then turn around and victim-shame survivors, and even befriend abusers). Then, have a look at how they actually support vulnerable populations, if in any respect, and the causes they speak out about, in addition to any toxic and abusive people they could associate themselves with. If they seem to increase you support but are associating themselves with individuals who have harmed you or seem to interact in the identical behaviors they feign outrage over, you recognize their virtue-signaling is kind of empty and their moral outrage is hole.
They talk loads about how empathic they’re but are nowhere to be found whenever you really want their support – or misuse their image of being an “empath” to take advantage of you.
People who’re genuinely empathic are emotionally validating, mindful, and conscientious about how their actions affect others. They preemptively anticipate people’s needs and sometimes exit of their option to make people feel seen, heard, and cozy. Unless someone is being actively toxic to them or there’s a particular scenario where they’re burnt out or traumatized, they’re all too willing to assist out in whatever way they’re able to to assist someone feel higher and uplift and empower people. This is, after all, to not be confused with having unhealthy boundaries where they permit themselves for use as an emotional sponge or punching bag or settling for relationships without reciprocity – empathic people need to even be helped in turn, as well. In their interactions with you, they will probably be emotionally validating and receptive, not callous and insensitive (with actions and long-term behaviors to back up their words). The “false” empath who’s narcissistic or psychopathic, however, will reveal their callousness and self-centeredness quite quickly. They need to know what’s “in it for them,” and can exploit your traumas and vulnerabilities to weaponize these against you later. They may even punish you for expecting support in any respect, especially whether it is inconvenient for them ultimately or conflicts with their hidden personal agendas. They will only emotionally support you in the event that they feel there’s some sort of reward involved. Truly empathic people can have healthy boundaries with the people they assist (that being said, they don’t have any obligation to assist toxic individuals who’ve harmed them), but they will probably be there for you in real ways within the long-term. They won’t abandon or neglect the individuals who have been there for them nor will they return your kindness with cruelty as narcissists do. | Shahida Arabi is a broadcast researcher and bestselling writer of six books, translated into 18+ languages everywhere in the world.
